


Highway to Hope

by parttimehuman



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angsty YouTuber AU, Car Accidents, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Happy Ending, Inspired by Music, M/M, Major Character Injury, Songs, be ready to suffer, lots of lots of angst, slowburn, suicidal Liam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-03-29 10:59:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13925733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parttimehuman/pseuds/parttimehuman
Summary: Theo has been obsessed with this youtube guy who posts videos of himself singing in his car. Watching every video there is of Liam, Theo finds himself falling in love. When Liam's songs get more and more sad and dark, Theo starts worrying. The shadows beneath Liam's eyes get darker in every new clip, his voice huskier, his driving a little too fast, a little too reckless. Paying close attention, reading between the lines, Theo can tell Liam is not okay. And then the catastrophe happens.





	1. School´s Out For Summer

**Author's Note:**

> The highway to hope and the highway to hell are the exact same road. The difference is a matter of companionship and background music.

Theo Raeken was sitting in his chair at his desk in his room, staring at the colorful screen of his laptop, wondering what on earth he´d just seen on it. He clicked replay on the youtube video. He needed to make sure it was real.

  
"Hello my guys," a joyful voice started pouring from the speakers, "as you can see, this is Hit The Road Liam speaking, I´m about to get to class on this beautiful summer morning, and I happily invite you to get on the way with me. Enjoy."

  
The boy on Theo´s laptop screen smiled into the camera. He was sitting in a car and about to start driving. He was wearing a grey t-shirt showing the tanned skin on his arms and collarbone. The hazelbrown hair was ruffled lightly, so if you ignored the car he was in, you could pretend he´d just gotten out of bed. Hit The Road Liam was overall a pretty boy, beautiful even, if that wasn´t too weird to say about a complete stranger from the internet, but by far the most magnificient thing about him were his baby-blue eyes, wide open, surrounded by lashes that would have made any girl jealous, looking into the camera like they could watch right into every single viewer´s deepest soul.

  
Theo could see the world moving in the background of the video, slowly at first, and then with steady speed as the car was on a busy road, passing houses and gardens and kids with school bags, leaving more and more of the real world behind as music filled the silence. And then the pretty driver started singing.

  
Well, we got no choice  
All the girls and boys  
Makin' all that noise  
'Cause they found new toys

Well, we can't salute ya  
Can't find a flag  
If that don't suit ya  
That's a drag

  
The whole situation seemed surreal, because it was too normal, too much of a typical school day routine to be accompanied by such an exceptional voice. The gorgeous driver didn´t even look in the camera, he just drove, perfectly focused on the traffic around him, almost as if he´d forgotten he was filming himself, almost as if he was just singing along to a random song on the radio.

  
School's out for the summer  
School's out forever  
School's been blown to pieces

No more pencils  
No more books  
No more teacher's  
Dirty looks

  
At those last words, Hit The Road Liam did look into the camera for a moment, a confident smirk contorting his full lips, a telling glance that sent shiver after shiver down Theo´s spine. Good God, this was the most fascinatingly beautiful person he´d ever seen, and he hadn´t even seen him in real life. But Theo loved the way he was enjoying himself, imitating exceptionally high or low voices at certain points, performing his song with his whole body in spite of being in the middle of the challenging morning traffic.

  
Well, we got no class  
And we got no principals  
We ain't got no intelligence  
We can't even think of a word that rhymes

School's out for the summer  
School's out forever  
School's been blown to pieces

  
The car with the dark leather seats stopped at a red light, but the driver kept singing with all his passion. A brief look to the left caused him to grin, probably because someone was staring at him, but he didn´t seem to mind. If anything, it seemed to amuse him. While other people were mostly annoyed by red lights, the handsome driver-singer took it as a chance use his entire body, pouring his heart and soul out and into the song, his shoulders rocking, his arms swinging, his eyelids fluttering closed every now and then, his entire figure vibrating, sending waves of energy through the screen to Theo. This boy was going to be his new drug.

  
No more pencils  
No more books  
No more teacher's  
Dirty looks

Out for summer  
Out till fall  
We might not come  
Back at all

  
He hit the gas and shot ahead, more concentrated on the road again, which was a pity, really, because those wonderful eyes didn´t catch the camera again, but on the other hand, it was equally stunning to observe him like that with the careless way he was moving, singing, living. Theo felt more alive than he remembered feeling ever before, which was ironic, considering that he was sitting in a dark room in front of his computer once again, doing exactly what his mother kept telling him to quit doing all the time.

  
School's out for summer  
School's out forever  
School's been blown to pieces  
School's out completely

  
With the end of the song, Hit The Road Liam ended the video, not saying another word, but maybe that was for the better, because he´d said everything that mattered over the previous three and a half minutes.

  
Theo decided to watch it a third time. He simply couldn´t get enough of the view, of the sound, of the feeling it had left inside him, the taste of summer on his lips, something like lemons and a sandy beach and ice cream. He wondered if he should leave a comment. Probably yes. That boy definitely deserved to know how talented he was, how good at making people´s days. Theo clicked in the typing field. He tried to find the right words for what he was feeling. He failed. He scrolled through the comments other users had left.

  
There were a lot of girls with duck faces or dog ears on their profile pictures telling Liam how cute he was, what a cool car he had, that they bet he would be an award-winning popstar soon. "So not the point," Theo mumbled to himself, despising the idea of fourteen-year-olds watching this video and only caring about the possible succes its creator would be having. The fact that he sang while driving, letting people see a part of his everyday life suggested he simply genuinely enjoyed music when he was on the road.

  
That was what he should write, Theo thought, how much he´d loved seeing someone loving something, but how were the chances any sane person would get that train of thought? Everything he could think of only made sense in his mind, but there were hardly any fitting words to express it. No way Theo would mention anything about how good-looking Liam was, because that would only make him sound like all those little bitches thirsting after someone whose social media content people actually cared for.

  
No, if he was going to write a comment, he would talk about his talent, his passion, the things his voice could do to those listening. Theo was almost thinking of something, his fingers already hovering above the keyboard, ready to let them speak for him. All of a sudden, another comment caught his eye.

  
"God, do you have to be this gay?"

  
Theo couldn´t believe anybody could be stupid and ignorant enough to use actual time and energy on typing such a comment. Well, he actually could; this was the internet after all. He scrolled through a few more notes. There were worse ones.

  
"My ears are bleeding. Go suck your boyfriend´s dick and stop torturing us normal people."

  
"Awww, what a cute little girl with a cute little voice."

  
"Why do you gays always have to be the center of attention?"

  
A few more and Theo was literally gasping for air. Were those people for real? Nothing in the video indicated that Hit The Road Liam was gay, not even in the slightest. And even if he was, what the hell did that have to do with his singing? Since when were gays not "normal people"? Since when were they "girls"? The more he thought about it, the more Theo´s blood began to boil, a furious determination building in his gut to prove them all wrong. He wanted to say something, to write something. He couldn´t let those comments stand like this.

  
Ultimately, he knew better than to actually do it. The only thing that would cause was for the haters to believe Liam had a boyfriend to jump to his defense, and that would hardly be any help at all. He closed his laptop instead, not doing anything at all, but he felt bad about it, restless, like the things he´d just read had left an itching on his skin, and he didn´t want to give in, he didn´t want to make it worse, but he needed to scratch.


	2. Dark Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so someone made a video of teen wolf moments with the song Dark Times by The Weeknd and I. just. couldn´t. help. myself. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nyf51yGR7Zg
> 
> Watch it for extra suffering. Credits to the creator of the vid :)

At the end of September, Theo was on his flight back home from his three weeks of summer vacation in south France. It could have been nice, being away from home, away from school and his parents and all the stress for some time, relaxing under the sun in a cute little village near the spanish border, either swimming or reading or eating the most incredible food he´d ever tasted. It could have been, hadn´t he stayed with the family of some great-great-great aunt of his, at a place far away from any form of civilization, where nobody seemed to speak English and where his dissatisfaction had absolutely reached its peak when he´d found out there wouldn´t be any internet access at all. 

"Mais Chéri," his hosting aunt had laughed, "you don´t need to phone all the time." 

Theo had laughed with her at first, telling himself that there were plenty of other things to do at the beach than being online, thinking how ridiculous it would be if he were so dependant on the little device that he couldn´t be without it for three weeks. But soon he´d known better. It hadn´t even been the texts that he hadn´t received, or the once he hadn´t written. It wasn´t like he´d had that many friends to keep in touch with anyway. It hadn´t been the online games either. 

What had truly been torturing Theo in his isolation from the worldwide web was all the updates on Hit The Road Liam´s YouTube channel he hadn´t been able to watch. He´d imagined everything he´d been missing out on with loving detail though. He´d pictured the pretty singer in a tank top, his muscled arms showing a warm golden tan, his shoulders dancing to the music. He´d pictured him driving with the windowpanes down, the light summer air messing up the soft curls of his hair to leave them in an artful ruffle of amber. He´d dreamed up freckles and late night rides through the city, lashes lightened in color by the sunshine, blue eyes shining, a beautiful voice singing songs of youth and freedom and carefreeness. 

Theo had simply closed his eyes and started fantasizing, having absolutely no difficulties picturing a face he´d only ever seen in a few short clips on the internet, his mind just putting together the exact right shade of blue for his eyes and the softly swung curves of his lips and the edges that turned his cheekbones and jawlines into a composition of beauty beyond comparison. It should have been hard, but it hadn´t. He should have had tired of dreaming the same kind of dreams over and over again, at night as well as when he´d been wide awake, but he had just become more obsessed with his thoughts, with the endless possibilities of what Liam could have been doing at the time, how he could have been looking, what songs could have been escaping his lips. 

It had been sweet, sweet torture, but torture all the same, so Theo couldn´t wait to land back in the United States again, where the call for his Mom to pick him up from the airport would definitely have to wait until after watching all the footage there was of Hit The Road Liam singing in his car like the adorable little freak he was. It was a long journey though, getting to Toulouse by bus with a hundred people packed into the strangely smelling vehicle, all of them speaking their super confusing language in full volume, all at the same time. From Toulouse he´d taken a flight to Paris, a pleasantly short one, and Paris-Charles-de-Gaulle was internationalized enough for him to finally stop worrying about his utter inability to speak french. 

The hardest part was the flight from Paris to Salt Lake City, which took eleven hours, a hundred failed attempts to find sleep and all the self-control Theo could muster to not jump out of his seat and violently threaten the pilot to fly fucking faster already. Patience was certainly not one of Theo´s strongest traits. His heart started beating unhealthily fast when the little screen above his head told him to put his seat belt back on, confirming that the plane was soon going to land. Theo´s hand moved to the pocket of his jeans instinctively, feeling his phone beneath the fabric, just making sure he was prepared to do what he´d been dying to do the previous three weeks. 

By the time the he could finally feel the rumble of the wheels hitting the landing strip, Theo´s palms were sweaty, his cheeks flushed, his pulse racing. It was crazy, really, if you thought about it. He was probably reacting a little too extremely to the plain possibility of checking a dude´s YouTube channel just because he´d seen a few of his videos before he´d left for France. Admittedly, he´d been completely obsessed with said dude, going through his entire history of clips, watching his hair grow before it had suddenly been short again, laughing out loud over his disney-song-phase, noticing when he´d gotten a new car, the only true constants throughout all of the content being three things: Hit The Road Liam being incredibly beautiful, Hit The Road Liam being incredibly talented, and Theo being incredibly in awe of everything he did. 

As soon as he had suffered through the torturous tardiness with which the other passengers had gotten their handluggage and descended from the plane, as soon as he could breath real, fresh air again, Theo felt in his gut that this was about to become a truly glorious day. He hurried into the entrance hall as fast as he could without knocking anyone else down, collected his suitcase ignoring the heinous glances from the little grandma standing to his left and ran off to find a place to sit down, because he was pretty sure his knees would go weak as soon as he´d see that pretty face again. 

Theo fumbled his headphones out of his pocket with clumsy hands, plugged them into his phone as he sat down on a small bench. The airport was pretty busy, but what did Theo care? He was about to dissolve into a whole other world. His hands were trembling, but he somehow managed to log into the airline´s free wifi and open the YouTube app. And then his heart skipped a beat. Or maybe two. Piercing blue eyes were glowing from his screen like aquamarines except to Theo, they were far more precious. "God, I´ve missed you," Theo whispered to his phone screen. He started scrolling through the suggested videos and decided to start with the most recent one. It had been uploaded only a couple of hours before. He clicked on it. 

Hit The Road Liam was wearing a black shirt. His skin was far paler than Theo had anticipated, but the white skin and the dark fabric of both the interior of his car and his outfit only put his blue eyes more into focus. He looked absolutely breathtaking. Theo bit his fist to keep himself from making weird noises in public as Laim was adjusting the camera, his face extra close, his brows furrowed in concentration. Delicate. He leaned back and started driving. His hair was longer than at the beginning of summer and even messier. Theo could only admire how Liam didn´t seem to put any effort into it and still had it looking perfect. 

Waking up, half past five  
Blood on pillow and one bruised eye  
Drunk too much, you know what I'm like  
But you shoulda seen the other guy

Wow. Theo could hardly breath. His hand would have hurt from his teeth sinking deeper into the skin, but he was too distracted. He didn´t feel pain. He didn´t feel anything other than the vibrations the low voice pouring from his headphones was sending through his entire body, wave after wave, each one hitting him harder than the one before. 

This ain't the right time for you to fall in love with me  
Well, baby, I'm just being honest  
And I know my lies could not make you believe  
We're running in circles, that's why

Theo decided he would believe any lie if it was told him by this magical voice. He was falling in love deeper with every tone Liam sang, wondering how much more admiration, how many more warm and fuzzy feelings were even possible for one simple human being. His eyes started burning as he tried not to blink, just because he´d waited so long to enjoy this wonderful view again, and he wasn´t going to waste one millisecond more than necessary where his eyes were closed. Should his eyes go dry if they had to, at least Theo´s heart was getting what it needed. 

In my dark times, I'll be going back to the street  
Promising everything I do not mean  
In my dark time, baby, this is all I could be  
And only my mother can love me for me

In my dark times  
In my dark time

The message of the song Hit The Road Liam had picked contradicted everything the way he was performing it made Theo feel. Dark times? Hell, this was the least dark time ever in Theo´s life, and he´d just spent three weeks in the mediterranian sun. 

Light one up, let me bum a smoke  
Still coming down, dripping throat  
I got another man's blood on my clothes  
But it ain't his fault, it's the life I chose

How could a person be this stunningly beautiful? Driving on a relatively empty road, simply straight ahead, never turning left or right, never looking anywhere but to the front, Liam´s singing was way more calm than in his previous clips, his raspy voice being the only thing bringing the song to life, and oh was he killing it. 

This ain't the right time for you to fall in love with me  
My baby, I'm just being honest  
And I know my lies can never make you believe  
Running in circles, that's why

In my dark times, I'll be going back to these streets  
Promising everything I do not mean  
In my dark times, maybe this is all I could be  
Only my mother could love me for me

In my dark times  
In my dark times

Theo wanted to jump in front of a car. No, in front of this one boy´s car. He wanted to stop him dramatically, holding out his hand to get his attention, getting him to listen while he was telling him how wring he was, that not even the darkest of times could make Theo feel anything other than love for him. That all Liam could be was everything, his everything, and that he didn´t even do much for it, that he just had to sit there, breathing, living, singing a song, bringing love to life. 

In my dark times I've still got some problems, I know  
Driving too fast but just moving too slow  
And I've got something I've been trying to let go  
Pulling me back every time

In my dark times, taking it back to the street  
Making those promises that I could not keep  
In my dark times, baby, this is all I could be  
Only my mother could love me for me

When the sun started shining into the handsome artist´s face aggressively, he finally reached out, moving for the first time since he´d started singing, pulling up some dark sunglasses, the kind you couldn´t see his eyes through and put them on. Somehow that changed the way the whole song came across, like he was making a point about choosing the dark times. Theo didn´t know how to feel about that. His heart seemed to beat somewhere outside of his chest at this point. There was too much emotion to make any sense of it. He was drowning, and he knew it was dangerous, could feel how the breathing got harder with every second, but he wouldn´t make an attempt at getting back to the surface if that meant swimming away from the addictive voice that was calling him. 

In my dark time, taking it down to the street  
Making those promises that I would never keep  
In my dark time this is all I could be  
Only my mother could love me for me

In my dark times  
In my dark time  
In my dark times

After the song ended, Hit The Road Liam finally turned towards the camera, giving his audience one last devilish grin, ending the clip with the words "enjoy the dark times". It was frustrating to watch, because Theo had a feeling he´d looked straight into the lense, but the sunglasses had been hiding his eyes. He felt robbed. He probably would have died of a heart attack if the gorgeous boy had looked right at him, but he still would have wanted to. He would have gone in the best way possible. 

When the video was over, Theo didn´t dare to move for a moment. He was still biting his own hand. He wasn´t ready to return to a reality where he would hear something other than his favorite person singing. He wasn´t prepared to see non-blue eyes. This was what it felt like to be addicted. It was simply rude of the world to disturb him with all the things going on that weren´t Liam-related. What were those things good for? 

As his breathing was slowly normalizing, Theo let go of his hand. He closed his eyes for ten seconds. He shook his head. It didn´t help. He was still caught in a dream. Until he suddenly snapped out of it. The magic was destroyed from one second to another by one upcoming fear. With his thumb trembling again, he scrolled down to the comment section. There were only a few, probably because the video had only been online for a few hours. 

"He´s soooooo hot with the sunglasses on." The little picture next to the note showed nothing but light blond hair covering a flat but probably female chest. 

Approximately fifteen other girls agreed. It wasn´t like Theo didn´t, sure, he looked hot with the sunglasses on, but had any of those chicks even seen the skies that hid in the eyes beneath? 

He was irritated, but pre-puberal girls drooling over Hit The Road Liam was ultimately not what he was worried about. He scrolled further down. He read comments so full of typos and grammatical errors that the secondhand embarassment was almost killing him again, but then he let out a relieved sigh. At least this time, nobody had had the time to leave anything hateful or discriminating about Liam. 

All of a sudden, a notification on the little screen in his hand made Theo jump. He opened the message app. 

Mom: How´s it going sweetie, you know when I should pick you up? 

Theo groaned, causing a passing woman with a little kid on each hand to turn around after him. He offered her an apologetic smile, but only a short one, before returning his attention to his phone. He replied to his mother´s text asking her to get on her way, knowing that her drive over would leave him with enough time to go through all the other videos. He re-opened the YouTube-tab. Next clip.


	3. What's Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story, guys. I had this incredible idea for an angsty thiam fic months ago. Encouraged by a lot of people telling me to go write it, I got to it and published two chapters. I don't know what happened after, but the excitement got lost somehow. There wasn't much feedback. I knew it would be harder to work on than other wips and so... whoops, I let it rot in my docs. 
> 
> Recently, someone told me they loved my first two chapters, and a bunch of other people who I wasn't aware had been reading them agreed. It really doesn't take much to motivate me. 
> 
> Thank you, Sofia! This one is for you.

Theo was way too distracted to greet his mother properly when she finally found him still sitting on the same bench as he must have been for something over an hour.

 

"Theo, honey, I thought you’d wait outside," she complained, "now I’ll have to pay for the parking." 

 

He felt a little guilty for it, but it was Hit_The_Road_Liam’s fault if anything, as he’d been the one distracting Theo from real life all this time. 

 

"I’ll pay for the stupid parking ticket if you let my enjoy the beauty of having internet access in peace," Theo replied, making his mother laugh in spite of not being joking at all. 

 

He settled into the passenger seat and put his headphones back on, shifting into a position that was comfortable and didn’t allow his Mom to peek into his phone, somehow not willing to share his most precious treasure with anybody. He’d watched all the new content of the previous three weeks at the airport, but only once, and once was certainly not enough to catch all the details, to enjoy both the music and the view, to burn it into his memory so he would have enough daydream-material for when school would start again. 

 

He started with the clip that captured Liam’s eyes. It was almost like he was physically unable to scroll past them. 

 

_ I see a red door _

_ And I want it painted black _

_ No colors anymore _

_ I want them to turn black _

 

The voice was low and raspier than usual, sounding a little bit like Liam was hungover, which obviously he wasn’t, considering that he was driving. Theo loved the sound, turning the volume up as high as he dared with his Mom sitting next to him. He focused on the light stubble on the pretty face on screen and imagined hearing the voice for real, singing right into his ear from so close that the stubble would scrape his neck. 

 

_ I see the girls walk by _

_ Dressed in their summer frocks _

_ I have to turn my head _

_ Until my darkness goes _

 

Theo was so consumed by the voice and the words and the beauty that he didn't realize his mother was talking to him at first. And then, he somehow heard the noises, acknowledged somewhere in his head that she was speaking, but it still wasn't enough to tear his attention away from his latest addiction. He was so mesmerized, so fascinated that it was ridiculous and stupid and utterly unfair to his poor Mom who had surely been missing him. 

 

_ I see a line of cars _

_ And they're all painted black _

_ With flowers and my love _

_ Both never to come back _

 

Theo loved his mother very much. She´d raised him all on her own from the point on when Theo’s father had left them, the death of their eldest daughter and Theo’s big sister, Tara, having slashed a wound into their marriage that simply hadn’t had a chance to heal. In spite of working endless extra hours and still struggling to both get the rent together every month and keep her growing son fed, she´d never lost patience, or faith, or the loving smile with which she told Theo how proud she was of him. She’d never been able to afford them to go on vacation, so naturally, when Theo´s great-aunt had sent him a plane ticket to France on Christmas, she’d been almost more excited than him. Now that he was back, she wanted to know everything.

 

"Honey, how was France?" she asked. "What’s it like to be at the beach all day long? Or is that not what you’ve been doing? Sure looks like it, you´ve gotten a serious tan!" 

 

Her green eyes were sparkling with excitement, and Theo felt bad for how he annoyed he was with her attempt to keep him from drowning in a pair of blue ones. 

 

“It was cool, Mom,” he answered shortly, because  _ cool  _ was the first word that came to his mind that was not too exaggerated to feel like a lie and not too weak to make her ask why he hadn’t liked it. “The beach was nice. The water was colder than I expected, though.” He didn’t mention how he’d only ever stuck two toes in before deciding that swimming was not an option for him. 

 

“How was the flight?” she wanted to know. She was a great Mom, always left him some space and privacy when he needed it, but still, apparently she was too curious not to try to catch a glimpse of what was on the screen of his phone. 

 

“Too long,” Theo groaned in response. He felt a little guilty about it, but he’d seen a chance and he was taking it. “I’m so tired. I think I need a nap first.” 

 

“Sure, honey,” his mother smiled warmly as she reached out for his cheek with a smile. “I made you a cheesecake for when you’re home, if you want to eat it before, it might still be warm.” 

 

Theo loved cheesecake. “With raspberries?” he asked. His mother might not have had enough money to take him on vacation, but she would welcome him back home with love and her absolutely amazing baking. 

 

“Of course,” she nodded. Raspberry-cheesecake has always been his weakness. Before Theo had seen the first YouTube video of Liam, that was. 

 

As his Mom put both her hands back on the steering wheel and looked ahead, he put the headphones back on and focused on his phone again. Theo had managed to go through almost all the videos posted during his vacation while he’d been waiting at the airport. He scrolled through the app again, up and down for a few minutes, simply looking at the screen captures of the inside of a car and blue eyes. 

 

The longer he looked, the weirder it got. He remembered discovering the pretty youtuber with the angelic voice, remembered how fascinated he had been, how many times he’d rewatched the video from the beginning of summer, the trance he’d found himself in, the magic that had happened inside him on that day. Something had felt different while watching the videos that had been posted later, something… but Theo couldn’t quite put a name to it. 

 

There was no reason to be nervous before clicking on the one video that was still left to watch, was there? No, there wasn’t. 

 

Apparently, Hit_The_Road_Liam didn’t have quite the same taste in music as Theo did. With only, the noise of his engine in the background, he began singing, or rather… well, shouting, kind of. Theo was surprised, to say the least, maybe a little shocked. 

 

_ Burning a hole inside of myself once again _

_ I can feel the fire spreading _

_ And it won’t, it won’t ever end _

 

It wasn’t like he didn’t still sound good, because he did. His voice was low and raspy and sending a shiver down Theo’s spine. And the look, good heaven! The sun seemed to shine through the windows of Liam’s car. His hair was messy, messier even than usually, his cheeks and chin covered in a beard stubble that made Theo’s finger tingle with the urge to touch it. His lips were red and chapped, his eyes a little lidded. He looked like he was tired, but Theo would have been lying if he’d said it didn’t suit him. 

 

_ Every time I close my eyes _ __  
_ More and more just burn to ashes _ __  
_ With the hope of a new light _ __  
_ That ends when I close my eyes _ __  
_ Time has come and gone _ __  
_ Memories are a thing of the past _ __  
_ I'm holding on so tightly _ _  
_ __ But I feel I'm losing my grasp

 

Theo feels hot and cold at the same time, entirely too hot and awfully too cold, the sound in his ears and the image in front of his eyes making his stomach flutter, making him weirdly happy to be witnessing this incredible boy, and at the same time, strangely confused because there was something, maybe in the air around him, maybe inside him, something that sat beneath his skin and left him restless. 

 

_ Everything is starting to fall _ __  
_ It begins to collapse on top of me _ __  
_ It's crushing, its crushing me down _ __  
_ I can feel the weight _ __  
_ Crushing me down, crushing me down _ _  
_ __ Crushing me into the ground

 

Theo wasn’t even inside his mother’s car anymore, at least not in any other way than physically. Something about Liam’s voice and the stern look on his face went right to his soul, felt raw and rough, like a fingernail scraping over paper, like a gust of wind that hit his face so hard that it burned in his eyes, like standing so closely by a fire that the line between warming him up and burning his skin went thinner and thinner until it faded away. 

 

Theo had to close the app after the song was over, had to take a few deep inhales and exhales and keep his eyes focused on the trees passing by in a dark green blur. His heart was beating like crazy and nothing about it made sense. He didn’t understand. He didn't want to understand. He didn’t want to believe the fear creeping into his mind and settling heavily. He some of the words he had been able to make out of the rather violent singing into the search bar and clicked on a link to find the lyrics to the entire song. 

 

Reading the words over and over again, the feeling in Theo’s gut became… not necessarily worse, just… heavier, more noticeable, more real. 

 

_ I am hopeless _

 

How much of Hit_The_Road_Liam’s singing was for the entertainment of his followers and how much was for the boy himself? From how deep down inside him had the choice to record this song of all songs come? Was there more behind the tired look than Theo had realized at first? 

 

_ Burning a hole inside myself _

 

Was that what the pretty boy was doing? Burning a hole inside himself? Was that what was happening to him? Theo knew nothing about him, absolutely nothing except the interior of his car and the blue of his eyes and a few months worth of YouTube-updates. People liked to listen to sad and depressing songs sometimes, right? That didn’t have to mean anything… 

 

_ I can feel the fire spreading _

 

Sometimes it just felt like that. Everybody had those days from time to time, those where you just wanted to hide beneath your blanket and forget that the world exists, wanted the world to forget about you existing. That wasn’t exactly anything unusual, was it? 

 

_ And it won’t, it won’t ever end  _

 

Theo told himself he was being stupid. He took off the headphones and caught his mother smiling at that, shoved his phone into his pocket and closed his eyes. Normally, the car ride would have been perfect for him to at least slumber for a while. He loved the warmth inside the little space of a car, loved sinking down in the seat and letting the vibrations and the humming of an engine weigh him to sleep, felt safe and peaceful. 

 

Somehow, it was different this time. Somehow, a pair of baby blue eyes kept appearing in his half-dreams, looking sadder than they were supposed to. In his mind more vividly than in the actual videos, Theo saw dark circles beneath them, had the impression that Liam could have driven a little more slowly, with a little more caution, could have paid just a little more attention to the traffic around him. 

 

He was crazy, right? Theo was crazy? He had a ridiculous crush on a guy from the internet, he was tired from his long flight, was too overwhelmed by the look and sound of Liam after three weeks without a chance to enjoy either of it. That must have been it. His stupid brain didn’t know what it was doing. It was spiraling beyond reason. Maybe Theo had read too many dark novels after all. Or maybe... ? No. He needed to stop thinking about this. 

 

“So, what happened around here while I was gone?” Theo asked his Mom when they were almost back home. 

 

“Nothing much,” she shrugged, “the Alvarez’ baby was born, I finally painted the fence, the raspberries have been growing beautifully this year. You’ll love them.” 

 

“Can’t wait,” Theo smiled, but he knew he should have been more excited about all of those things. He was distracted. 

 

After eating the world’s best piece of cheesecake (still warm, by the way), Theo retreated to his room to take the nap he’d already announced, except of course, he couldn’t possibly find sleep. The air in his room was cool, his mattress had a different degree of hardness than the one he’d been sleeping on for three weeks, it was all in all an odd mix of relief to be back home and restlessness about it not feeling as natural as it should have. 

 

Maybe it was about Liam. Maybe. Theo had no idea, and he wasn’t sure that it was smart to try and find out, to go to YouTube again and allow more of those… feelings to attack him, but he found himself unable to stay away. Since the very first video, Hit_The_Road_Liam had cast his spell over Theo, had drawn him in, gotten him hooked. There was no point in pretending otherwise. 

 

“Show me that you’re happy,” Theo whispered into his phone. Even in the privacy of his own bedroom, he used his headphones to listen, simply because what he was about to lose himself in was too precious to have it blaring from a speaker. He searched for the video he knew had been the very first that Liam had ever done. 

 

And there it was - the smile. That smile. The trademark smile, the one that spread over Liam’s face so beautifully and glistened in his piercing eyes, the one that did things to Theo’s heart he hadn’t thought possible. 

 

The video had been recorded in February, a bit of snow was visible through the rear window. Liam was wearing a dark blue hat over his hair that must have been longer then than it was during the summer, shiny light brown curls peeking out from beneath, framing his face like a highly valuable painting. 

 

“Hi,” he said with a wide grin, unable to sit entirely still in the driver’s seat. “This is Hit_The_Road_Liam and it looks like I’m now finally doing this.” His eyes were darting around like he didn’t know where to look. It was absolutely adorable. “I love driving in my care, and I love singing while driving in my car, and thanks to my best friend Mason-” His grin widened a little bit at the mention. “-you can now all watch me. I might do this more often if you want me to. Enjoy!” 

 

He looked right into a camera for a moment before he swallowed a little nervously. Theo watched him with ridiculously giddy excitement as Liam let the engine come to life and the road started moving in the background. He looked so cute and soft in the fluffy jacket he was wearing, like he was made for cuddling. 

 

_ Twenty-five years and my life is still _ __  
_ Trying to get up that great big hill of hope _ __  
_ For a destination _ __  
__  
_ I realized quickly when I knew I should _ __  
_ That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man _ _  
_ __ For whatever that means

 

It was simply too amazing. Liam couldn’t stop grinning through the first two lines, his eyes swaying back to the camera every few seconds, and then Theo could practically seeing him gaining focus, concentrating on the street ahead, possibly forgetting that he was filming himself, the previous tension leaving his shoulders, his deep voice more and more confident with every tone that he sang, softer, thick and sweet like honey. 

 

_ And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed _ __  
_ Just to get it all out what's in my head, _ __  
_ And I _ _  
_ __ I am feeling a little peculiar

 

It was unbelievable how completely in peace with himself the handsome singer seemed. Theo almost had the impression that he was sitting right beside him in the car, that he was about to let the window down and breath and get to know what freedom felt like on his own skin. It didn’t seem right to him that he was only lying on his bed in the darkness of his room, the same room that he’d spent his entire life in. It didn’t seen right, because a part of him was at a place that he hadn’t known before he’d discovered Hit_The_Road_Liam and his YouTube channel.

 

_ And so I wake in the morning and I step outside _ __  
_ And I take a deep breath and I get real high, and I _ __  
_ Scream from the top of my lungs _ _  
_ __ What's going on?

 

It was impossible not to fall in love with the boy. Simply impossible. He sent an indescribable energy through the camera to Theo, making him want to get up and actually go outside, making him feel like he needed a balcony to throw the door open dramatically and step outside. He could practically taste the fresh air of a cold morning, wanted to scream the same carefree way that Liam was letting all of his emotions out.

 

Sadly, the video ended too soon after the song did, but Theo had a dumb smile plastered over his face anyway. He would have given his soul just to be able to actually see and hear Liam doing this in real life just once. 

 

His face returned to seriousness slowly, the smile fading from his lips as Theo let himself slide back into the reality where the video he’d just watched was months old, and had very little in common with the recent ones. Theo didn’t know what it meant, or what could possibly have happened for Liam’s videos to go that… dark? 

 

The best way he could think of to get closer to the mystery that was his favorite youtuber was to watch everything there was of him again, this time in chronological order. Theo got rid of his pants and wrapped himself in his blanket, pulled the hood of his sweater over his head and began playing the second video.


	4. The Hole Beneath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this chapter, please be aware that this is where the story gets really angsty. Liam suffers from depression in this fic, and Liam will be suicidal. I get that that's not something everybody wants to read. Please, if you feel uncomfortable with this, do not read any further. 
> 
> If you do, I hope you can bear with me. I'm going somewhere with this.

For a while, Theo managed to forget about his worry. It was warm beneath his blanket, and it was warm inside his chest as he allowed the baby blue twinkling eyes shining from the screen of his phone steal his breath. He wondered if he would ever tire of looking at the boy, just looking at him, just taking in the exact skin tone and the always messy strands of hair and the broad shoulders and that thing he did with his lip when he smiled. It was hard to imagine. 

 

_ I know it's hard _

_ You're feeling like you're trapped _

_ But that's how you react _

_ When you cannot see the light _

_ But try and see the light _

_ I'm telling you _

_ No, no, no, no _

_ You're the only one _

_ Standing in your way _

_ Just take a breath, relax, and tell me _

 

The pretty youtuber was singing the words with one corner of his mouth slightly pulled up. As always, Theo could see the world moving through the rear window of Liam’s car, and as always, it seemed like his voice was carrying him through his own dimension, like the blurry concrete and the front yards and the other cars weren’t real, or at least not part of the same reality as Liam and his magic. 

 

_ Why? _

_ Please tell me why do we worry? _

_ Why? _

_ Why do we worry at all? _

_ Why? _

_ Just tell me why do we worry? _

_ When worry is never helping tell me why worry at all? _

 

Why would anybody ever worry, when it was so easy not to. All you had to do was to put your headset on and start a video, to disappear into the safety of your bedroom and pretend like Liam’s voice was the only truth existing. The entire concept of there being anything bad in the world, anything painful, anything truly worth complaining about seemed so abstract in that moment that it couldn’t touch Theo. His lips playing with the soft collar of his hoodie, Theo saw only the pretty side of life. 

 

_ Are you sick of feeling sorry? _

_ Uh huh _

_ And people saying not to worry? _

_ Uh huh _

_ Sick of hearing this hakuna matata motto _

_ From people who won the lotto _

_ We're not that lucky _

_ Have you noticed that you're breathing? _

_ Uh huh _

_ Look around and count your blessings _

_ Uh huh _

_ So when you're sick of all this stressing and guessing _

_ I'm suggesting you turn this up and let them hear you sing it _

 

In that moment, Liam averted his eyes from the road ahead and looked straight into the camera for just a brief moment, his eyes bright, shimmering in the sunlight like sapphires, a smile playing around his lips. He took a deep breath before he continued singing, and something happened at that point, something like a filter coming off, like a wall breaking apart, like a curtain being pulled all the way up, like light flooding a room, only that it wasn’t nearly as big. It lay only in the wrinkles around Liam’s eyes and the corners of his mouth. 

 

_ Why? _

_ Please tell me why do we worry? _

_ Why? _

_ Why do we worry at all? _

_ Why? _

_ Just tell me why do we worry? _

_ When worry is never helping tell me why worry at all? _

 

Theo loved Liam’s videos. Every single one of them. He loved looking at him sitting in his car, loved how he could observe Liam’s hair growing out and his style of clothes changing. He loved it when Liam awkwardly talked at the beginning of a clip, and obviously, he loved listening to his wonderful singing voice. The boy had a lot of raw, beautiful talent, and Theo was generally more than thankful that someone had made him share it with the world. 

 

A thing that Theo especially loved, though, was the moment when Liam ended his clips. The way he was glowing after the last tone had faded, with a weird grin on his face. How he sometimes waved his hand to say goodbye before turning off the camera, and one time even winked. Theo went through the entire collection included in Hit_The_Road_Liam’s channel, and it was always a little different, always absolutely adorable. It was like watching Liam become someone else through the songs, or maybe not someone else but rather himself. 

 

It was always the same, a nice boy sitting in his car at the beginning, a little shy, a little restless, maybe slightly nervous. After watching him repeating the same routine over and over again, Theo had learned all of his little tells, the way he looked just slightly past the camera, or how he rubbed his neck while talking. It was the cutest thing. 

 

Every single time, the music started a process, some kind of change, carrying Liam along, and it wasn’t really noticeable while it was happening, but the end of every video was so different from its beginning that Theo couldn’t help but marvel. He wondered what the music meant to Liam. Suddenly, as he was lying in bed listening to the fifth and sixth and seventh video there was, he felt the urge to as the boy a thousand questions. 

 

How long had he been singing? What was his favorite kind of music? Or his favorite artist? If he had to listen to one single song on repeat for the rest of his life, which one would he choose? Did he play an instrument? Had he ever tried to write his own music? Was he dreaming of recording his own song in a studio one day? Was singing what made him truly happy? Was the post-song-Liam Theo was falling in love with the real one? 

 

More questions were added to the list as Theo continued his journey through everything Liam had ever shared. He couldn’t stop his mind from spiraling. He knew he was being ridiculous, because he was just one of the many random people watching Liam on YouTube, so what did he think he was doing, letting himself believe he was getting to know Liam? Just because he was obsessed with the guy, didn’t mean he had any idea what his life was like, but still, he felt so much like it might as well have been the case that it was easy to forget himself. 

 

Theo sank deeper down beneath the blanket, pulling it over his head to vanish in a cocoon of darkness as Liam did the same. Metaphorically, of course. It was almost scary, but that was why Theo had started his lengthy YouTube session in the first place, to watch Liam’s appearance change, to listen to his songs going darker with every next clip. Something about the more recent ones had left him with an unpleasant irk inside him, had caused a faint feeling of concern to settle down in the back of his mind, and Theo couldn’t have stood not doing anything about it. 

 

The music changed a little before Liam did. He sang about anger and aggression first. There were a couple of songs that he screamed rather than sang, telling of defeat and questionable coping mechanisms, of helplessness and violence that didn’t solve the problem. The raw brutality of some parts of the lyrics shocked Theo, but over the next couple of videos, the mood shifted to something closer to sadness. Liam had started choosing songs about loneliness and loss, about grief and tears and endings. 

 

It was at that point that Theo began noticing dark circles beneath his eyes. While Liam had worn his hair a little ruffled on purpose before, it suddenly looked more like it simply hadn’t been washed in a few days. It wasn’t terrible, and from the image alone, Theo could have brushed the whole thing off as Liam being a little sleepy. He could have found it adorable, even. 

 

What Theo couldn’t ignore though, was the sound of Liam’s voice in one of the videos from during summer holidays. He gave a quick introduction without really smiling, and his voice sounded different, way deeper, husky. It wasn’t a bad thing entirely. It actually sounded pretty hot, but in the context of what Theo had been watching and listening to for hours by the time, it had him worried. If Liam hadn’t been driving, he would have believed that the boy was hungover. 

 

_ The sky is falling on me _

_ I'm waiting for the end of days _

_ As this hole beneath me grows _

_ I see the end I wait for it to swallow me _

 

Theo got it, he really did. He liked listening to sad songs sometimes, too. He needed it from time to time. In those moments when he felt like nothing good ever happened in life, Theo didn’t want to hear happy music either. He much preferred to wallow in his emotions, embrace the darkness until he had enough and moved on from it. He wouldn’t have blamed Liam for doing the same. He didn’t judge his taste of music or his choice of songs. Not in the slightest. Still, he couldn’t stop himself from wondering just how much meaning there was behind it all. 

 

Was there a hole growing beneath Liam? Was that what he felt like? Was that the explanation for the growing beard and the tired looks? Was Liam currently embracing his darkness too? 

 

_ This plague has no cure _

_ The things we love will die _

_ We are alone in this life _

_ We finally see the truth _

_ I watch it all turn black _

 

Whereas Theo had been lying still all the time, with that song he started getting restless, his mind focused on his phone screen, desperately trying to catch every tiny hint of what was going on with Liam in the pretty boy’s face, but his body was shifting, moving around, feeling uncomfortable. The worry that slowly started to weigh heavier on him did it, telling him to do something, his body not accepting his brain’s excuse that he couldn’t, since he didn’t even know Liam. 

 

_ The sky is falling on me _

_ I'm waiting for the end of days _

_ As this hole beneath me grows _

_ I see the end I wait for it to swallow me _

 

Frankly, Theo had been worried before. He’d also told himself that he was being stupid, of course. It could have very well been part of a performance of some sort. Maybe Liam was simply trying himself out as an artist, finding what worked best for him, experimenting, taking a new direction, letting it consume him. A voice inside Theo’s head told him no, that wasn’t it. 

 

He was shivering by then, although it was way too warm for him underneath his heavy blanket wearing a hoodie. The cold didn’t come from the air on his skin though, it flooded his mind through the headphones in his ears, slowly spreading through his chest and then his entire body.  

 

Liam didn’t smile into the camera before he ended the clip, he didn’t even look remotely in that direction, kept his eyes straight ahead in spite of his hand not instantly finding the right button, which told Theo that he was avoiding the camera on purpose. That and his firmly set jaw had Theo’s skin crawl because of how unlike the Liam he had believed knowing it appeared. Theo had been worried before, and he was more worried after, but there was no end to the shocking discoveries. 

 

Once again, Theo decided to scroll through a few of the comments people had left on the clip. He didn’t really feel like he  _ wanted  _ to read them, because, freedom of speech or not, but the kind of people who left comments on YouTube videos were generally the kind of people who should just keep their stupid opinions to themselves. Theo didn’t need to see them, he already had made his own mind up about Liam. He didn’t care about a bunch of twelve-year-olds thirsting over him. 

 

What Theo was doing happened more out of a sort of primitive urge to protect. He just wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything rude in the comments section, that people weren’t spreading any hate, weren’t attacking Liam. Of course, it was kind of pointless, since Theo couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t undo any potential damage hateful words had already done, and he couldn’t provide some of the poor users of the website with a functioning brain from his bedroom. Still, Theo couldn’t stay away either. 

 

Not knowing what exactly he’d expected, Theo still sucked in a sharp breath when he stumbled upon the first homophobic remark. Of course, it hurt. Words like those would never stop hurting Theo, would never not make him feel like the world he’d been born into was turning against him. But what he was reading was worse than that. It was worse because it was directed at Liam, a Liam who already seemed vulnerable as it was, to say the least. It was worse because he didn’t know Liam’s story, didn’t know the power comments like that one held over him, didn’t know how open the wounds were that a random asshole was rubbing salt all over. 

 

Theo’s restlessness only increased while he continued to read. There weren’t that many rude people, to be fair. Out of a bit over a hundred comments, about ninety percent were absolutely positive. The thing was, positivity had never in life made up for negativity, and some of the words stung especially, even when Theo himself wasn’t the victim of them. He scrolled back up, couldn’t keep looking at them, but there was no escape from what he’d read. 

 

For a few minutes after that, Theo had to close his eyes and calm his breathing in order not to cry. He didn’t know why he was getting so worked up over the whole thing. For god’s sake, he didn’t even know Liam. Why was he acting like it was his job to worry about the guy? To be mad on his behalf? A part of Theo knew the answer to that, and another part was still determined to push it to the background, because you simply couldn’t love someone you’d only seen in a bunch of YouTube videos. 

 

Although he left the headphones on and clutched his phone in his hand tightly, Theo couldn’t take another video that night. It had long gone dark, but the absence of the sun from the sky merely a technicality while Theo’s heart was breaking over a thousand things that didn’t belong to him, that he didn’t think he was entitled to be hurting over. He must be going insane at last, Theo thought. 

 

It took hours of throwing his head from one side of the pillow to the other, changing positions, drying tears and breathing, hours of memories of Liam playing in his head like a movie, like they were made from a lifetime together, and not just Theo’s obsession with a guy from the internet. It took hours and hours before Theo finally drifted off to sleep, but he didn’t find peace even then. 

 

Theo dreamed. He dreamed about Liam driving in his car, but other than usually, Theo wasn’t watching through a screen, he was right there in the passenger seat. Liam looked slightly different in profile, but no less breathtakingly beautiful. Theo was tempted to reach out a hand to touch him, but he was scared to disrupt the fragile peace surrounding the boy. The faintest smile lay on his lips as he drove, just enough for Theo to notice. 

 

Music began to play, and Liam’s smile widened with every tone, but he didn’t begin singing. He just kept driving, his eyes on the road, his fingers tapping along to the rhythm on the steering wheel. They were going fast, and somehow, Theo felt like they had somewhere to be. Liam seemed to have no time to lose, passing by a sign warning him about the speed limit that he’d long gone over and beyond. 

 

“Liam,” Theo warned nervously. He hated being in the passenger seat. He might not have been the greatest driver in the world himself, but having to trust in other people bringing him somewhere safely was a whole other challenge. Liam wasn’t listening, only hitting the gas. 

 

A singing voice began to bring the song playing more into focus, but it wasn’t Liam’s, or maybe it was, but it wasn’t coming from his mouth directly, it was sounding from the radio. 

 

_ I never thought I'd die alone _

_ I laughed the loudest, who'd have known? _

_ I trace the cord back to the wall _

_ No wonder, it was never plugged in at all _

_ I took my time, I hurried up _

_ The choice was mine, I didn't think enough _

_ I'm too depressed to go on _

_ You'll be sorry when I'm gone _

 

The car become faster and faster, trees and faces passing by them in a blur, the world narrowing down to Liam’s starry grin and the words echoing through the small room inside the vehicle. Theo wanted to move, wanted to speak up or reach out for Liam’s arm. He needed to warn him, needed to wake him from his stupor, needed to tell him to stop, to listen, to slow down, to get a grip, but he couldn’t. He was mute and paralyzed and utterly helpless. Nothing was happening except for the song tearing Theo’s wildly racing heart apart and Liam smiling dumbly. 

 

_ I never thought I'd die alone _

_ Another six months, I'll be unknown _

_ Give all my things to all my friends _

_ You'll never step foot in my room again _

_ You'll close it off, board it up _

_ Remember the time that I spilled the cup _

_ Of apple juice in the hall _

_ Please tell mom this is not her fault _

 

Theo was screaming, somehow, only that no sound came out, and Liam wasn’t affected at all. With every mile per hour that they went faster, panic rose a little higher inside of him, soon filling him up to the throat, threatening to suffocate him. Theo was fighting. He was fighting himself and his helplessness and the world and Liam, that dumb, beautiful boy who was about to ruin both of their lives. 

 

_ I never conquered, rarely came _

_ Tomorrow holds such better days _

_ Days when I could still feel alive _

_ When I can't wait to get outside _

_ The world is wide, the time goes by _

_ The tour is over, I've survived _

_ I can't wait 'til I get home _

_ To pass the time in my room alone _

 

Just when Theo started seeing his life flashing by in front of his inner eye, Liam turned his head and looked right into his eyes. 

 

“Don’t be scared,” dream-Liam whispered. “This song doesn’t have to end.” 

 

Just like that, he let go of the steering wheel, but not the gas pedal, and just like that, they took off and started flying. There was a moment of strange nothingness inside Theo, like too much air filling his lungs, like his own body weighing too little. And then a crash. A terrible screeching noise, a loud bang, the world beginning to rattle, to turn upside down, to burn. 

 

“Don’t be scared,” Liam’s voice echoed through his head as everything went dark around Theo, the taste of blood welling up on his tongue. 

 

Heavily panting and with his hoodie sticking to his sweat-slick back, Theo woke up. His hands were shaking as they searched for the light switch on his nightstand. It had always been his first reaction after waking up from a nightmare, to turn all the lights in his room on, to make sure that the dream was gone, and with it the horrors it had brought along. 

 

The dream was gone, but the fear was as present as ever while Theo tried to get his heart to calm down. The song from his dream wasn’t from Liam’s collection. It wasn’t in there, but it had something crucial in common with all of Liam’s latest song choices. All of a sudden, Theo could see it clearly, the reason why Liam was keeping him up and on the edge of his anxious mind. Not because of the sadness, or the darkness, or the tragedy. Too many of the songs had been about suicide.    
  



	5. So You Wanna Be A Superhero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I wrote in the summary "And then the catastrophe happens.", this chapter is what I meant by that. Be safe.

September ended, and with it the holidays, but the current semester at college was barely on Theo’s mind. He attended classes, did all his exercises and wrote his papers, always putting in enough effort to earn acceptable results. He studied and prepared for the exams that he was soon going to have to take, but his head wasn’t in the game, not really. He showed up to college with his headphones on, and while working on his laptop, he couldn’t resist the temptation to check Liam’s channel for updates, or new comments, or any sign of life at all. 

 

October was rainy and cold, far from what Theo remembered loving about that time of the year. He skipped the Halloween party on campus, only taking the candy his mother had bought and giving it out to trick-or-treating kids so he wouldn’t have to answer any more questions than he already had. Every time he saw his mom looking at him with worry in her eyes, Theo put on a smile that ended up being half genuine because of how much he knew she loved him, and she didn’t hold anything against him, as he was sure. 

 

November brought darkness that fit perfectly into the bigger picture that had Liam in its middle. Mornings were foggy and Theo was alone, isolating himself from the few people at college he’d once thought didn’t hate him completely. He felt guilty, somehow, especially towards Corey, who’d been nothing but kind to him ever, but there were too many too big things on Theo’s tortured mind that he couldn’t explain. There was no way he was admitting to anybody that he got so obsessed with a guy from YouTube that he’d even somewhat fallen in love with him. And then all the rest of the story. All the dreams he’d been having. The fear. His suspicions and theories about Liam struggling with something. It wasn’t like Theo was able to comprehend any of it himself. 

 

Thanksgiving was spent just between Theo and his mom, thankfully. He remembered missing a big family to celebrate with when he was a kid. He’d used to ask his mother so many times why he had no siblings or cousins like everyone else he knew. That year, Theo thought he was lucky. 

 

Throughout all of October and November, there was no sign from Hit_The_Road_Liam, and as it turned December and Christmas lights showed up everywhere in the neighborhood, a cold fear took hold of Theo. 

 

It was nearly impossible to answer his mother’s question about what he wished for that year, because Theo needed nothing in life except to know whether Liam was alright. The advent calendar that had some sort of chocolate in it every day had been a sweet gesture from his mom, who wouldn’t let her twenty-one year old son tell her that he was too old for one, but it ended up helping Theo counting the days of silence. He didn’t eat any of the chocolate, only took it all with him to his room so she wouldn’t see. 

 

On the 18th day of December, after Theo had reluctantly hung up the Christmas decorations in the living room and finally, a whole two weeks after he’d been told for the first time, set up the tree, when the biggest part of him already believed in disappointment at every notification on his phone, YouTube informed him that there were news from Liam. 

 

“That is not what I call a straight standing Christmas tree my love,” Theo’s mother remarked as he was rushing up the stairs, phone clutched in his hand and pressed to his rapidly beating heart. Again, because it somehow belonged that way, Theo got beneath the blanket in his bed before he dared to look at whatever new clip there was. 

 

The most painful thing about it was, Theo’s first instinctive thought was about how he’d rather not gotten to see the video at all. Somehow, through all the lows and the doubts and the anxiety, Theo had still managed to tell himself that Liam could be alright, could be just fine and happy, maybe simply too busy to be working on his YouTube career any further. 

 

With one look at Liam’s face, though, he knew that hadn’t been the case. 

 

“What is life doing to you?” Theo whispered, although there wasn’t going to be any more of an answer than the song that followed, sung by a deep and husky voice that sounded off somehow. Theo couldn’t tell why, not with the sunglasses covering Liam’s eyes, but he’d heard the boy singing every day for months, and something wasn’t right. 

 

_ I can’t escape this hell _

_ So many times I’ve tried _

_ But I’m still caged inside _

_ Somebody get me through this nightmare _

_ I can’t control myself  _

 

Theo felt paralyzed, pinned down by the pain in Liam’s words. There was rage, and suffering, but what made Theo’s skin crawl was the soft sound of resignation that was also there. He took in the mess of hair on top in Liam’s head and in his face, the pallor of his skin. There was a stain on the front of his sweater, and all of it combined had Theo’s anxiety level rocketing up infinitely, because where the hell was Liam going like that? 

 

_ So what if you can see the darkest side of me?  _

_ No one will ever change this animal I have become _

_ Help me believe it’s not the real me _

_ Somebody help me tame this animal I have become  _

_ Help me believe it’s not the real me _

_ Somebody help me tame this animal _

 

“Oh my god,” Theo whispered, although he wasn’t sure, not before Liam pulled the sunglasses off of his face and he could see the dark circles beneath his eyes. He listened again, and watched, the whole thing, paying close attention to the way the words were dragged out and the rhythm was slightly off and nothing seemed like Liam was the same guy Theo had fallen in love with, although he still sounded amazing, objectively speaking. 

 

Theo knew better though. No, he didn’t know the guy personally, and he had no idea what demons were haunting him. He had no clue about the life Liam lived when he wasn’t filming himself in the car, didn’t know who’d hurt the boy and how, but he still  _ knew  _ him in a way, maybe in the most important way there was, and Theo saw what nobody else seemed to notice, a catastrophe nearing with too high speed. 

 

“You’re drunk,” he said, making it sound like an accusation on purpose, because how dare that boy do such a thing to him? How dare he be the most gorgeous thing Theo had ever witnessed and then fall apart right in front of his eyes with no way to be helped? How dare he get behind the steering wheel when he clearly isn’t fit to drive, putting his own life at risk when said life meant everything to Theo at that point. 

 

Theo had admired Liam at first, and then adored him. He’d studied him, fallen for him. He’d felt sorry for him, defended him. He’d wished everything good for him. He’d feared for him and prayed. In that moment, for the first time, Theo got angry. 

 

At life and the fact that misery existed where it shouldn’t. At whoever had broken Liam. At himself for not doing anything. At Liam. He wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and yell until he’d wake up. He wanted to smack that stupid boy’s head and talk some sense into him. Theo knew he wasn’t being fair, and that nothing was that easy, and that he didn’t truly blame Liam in his heart, but the anger was hot inside him nonetheless. 

 

It was on that day that Theo began his research. He re-watched all of the Liam content there was, paying attention to the background for once, to the streets he got to see and the traffic signs, to the weather at each time and the degree of Liam’s tan. Not sure what he was going to do with the information once he’d have it, Theo still put all of his energy into locating Liam. 

 

Northern California. 

 

Theo’s heart was beating so wildly, he was almost sure it was trying to escape his ribcage. 

 

What did it mean, that Liam lived in the same state as him, of all places in the United States? How was it possible? And how was he supposed to react to it? Did it make a difference? Was it ever going to make a difference? 

 

The day before Christmas, the holy spirit seemed as far away from Theo as ever. He knew as he woke up in the morning that the day ahead of him wasn’t going to be a good one. He’d slept too little, too restlessly, while his dreams had once again been a little too vivid, the coldness in them still clinging to his sweat slick skin as he left the bed. It had become Theo’s routine, somehow, to get up before sunrise with the sole purpose of escaping the nightmares. At that point, he’d watched Liam crash and die too many times. 

 

The hot water in the shower couldn’t help warm his heart. Theo had still not told his mom what he wanted to have for dinner on Christmas eve, and he felt more guilty than ever towards her for the present he’d picked without his heart being all the way in it, but the thoughts of anything not Liam related went as quickly as they’d come, simply because Theo’s brain had no capacities for them. 

 

Seeing the breakfast table his mom had lovingly prepared sent a sharp sting to Theo’s heart, followed by another one at the sight of the prettily decorated Christmas tree with just a single present beneath it, but it was wrapped in self-made paper and held together with a bow, his name written on it in the same handwriting as all the years before. 

 

Theo had everything, he realized, everything a person could wish for. Not a father in his life, and not a lot of friends, not money or any extraordinary talents and not a partner who worshipped the ground on which he walked, but a home. A healthy mind that didn’t want to not live anymore, and a mother who would move mountains for him without life’s help. A place to stay or to leave and return to. Hope that he’d be alright. 

 

What about Liam, Theo wondered? Did he have any of those things? Did he? 

 

Was Christmas time love and peace to Liam? Or was it loneliness and pain? 

 

“Theo, honey, it’s alright,” his mom told him softly, coming around the kitchen counter to wrap her arms around him and kiss his head. “Everything’s alright. I’ve got you.” 

 

He hadn’t been aware of himself standing there as if paralyzed, or the tears dropping from his eyes and streaming down his cheeks. He shook his head and leaned into his mother’s embrace, crying into her sweater, not knowing how to tell her that he feared not everything was going to be alright. Not everything. Not Liam, possibly, and not even his mom could fix that. 

 

The tears came and then came some more before they went. Hot chocolate and warm hands drying his cheeks couldn’t convince Theo that the words spoken were true. His breaking heart was merely held together. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he told his mom. “I don’t know why I am this way.” 

 

“No need to apologize, honey,” she smiled at him, although he knew that she was aware of him keeping a secret from her. 

 

“I’m still sorry though.” 

 

He was. It was Christmas and everything reminded Theo of the things he was eternally grateful for. He was ruining the mood, and he did feel sorry because of it. Still, the little ping his phone made in the late afternoon on December 24th 2018 had him leaving again, retreating to his room with trembling hands and a heart ready to be shattered. 

 

_ There’s banging on the wall _

_ It’s 5am - I’ve got no sleep at all _

_ Just thoughts of how I might _

_ Struggle through tomorrow _

_ Too much time in one day _

_ Too much time to occupy _

_ With boring thoughts _

_ And boring moods _

_ And boring bedtimes _

_ Won’t tell a single soul that my soul’s gone _

_ It’s hard to write this song _

_ It’s all a joke _

_ It’s all been wrote down by someone who’s probably dead _

 

Theo found it hard to breathe. He couldn’t put any words at all to the way Liam looked that time, somehow different from all the times before, somehow out of it, distanced from himself. Like he was made of glass.

 

And Theo could look right through him. 

 

But he wished he couldn’t. 

 

_ I might be leaving soon _

 

There was no music playing, just the sound of Liam’s engine and his voice, monotonous and empty. 

 

_ I might be leaving soon _

 

Theo threw the blanket away, because it was suffocating him, except that the air didn’t help him breathe at all. He jumped to his feet, ready to do something, to jump in front of a car to stop it, although it wasn’t near him to begin with, but he couldn’t watch Liam driving too fast without doing anything, dread building in his stomach, a bitter taste of certainty running down his throat. 

 

“No,” he whispered. “No, no, no, no, no!” His voice rose with every objection he made, until it was high pitched and drenched in panic. He could barely stand watching the live recording of Liam driving, the calmness in his face and voice not matching the rattling of the car he was in. 

 

_ My dreams are full of what’s not real _

_ I’ll fly away and save the world _

_ I’ll make you proud someday _

_ I just won’t be around to see your face _

 

Something changed, and Liam almost seemed like he was smiling, but Theo was far from smiling, dreading the moment the song would be over and the life that would be left after. The world stopped spinning. Liam’s voice came alive. 

 

_ My life is full of what’s not here _

_ I’ll go away and save myself _

_ I’ll make you proud today _

_ I just won’t be around to see your face _

 

There were a few seconds where Theo saw Liam. Liam, the way he knew deep down inside him was real and true. Liam with a sparkle in his blue eyes and the corners of his lips perked up into something just short of a smile. Liam showing him the magnet that Theo’s heart was drawn to. 

 

Silence for two seconds. 

 

“Wow,” Liam said, “I think I really needed that.” 

 

Theo released the breath that he’d been holding without knowing. The situation was surreal and life fragile, but it was there, laid bare by the look Liam was giving him, his eyes fixating the camera, shaking Theo to the very core. 

 

He was almost sure that things would be alright indeed, just like his mother had promised. 

 

But that was before he heard the sound of a horn and saw Liam’s eyes snapping away, wide open with shock. 

 

It was just a few seconds. 

 

A few seconds when time stood still while a terrible noise sent Liam into darkness and Theo into utter shock. 

 

A crash. And then another one, louder. 

 

The screen going pitch black before the connection broke off. 

 

What happened after that, Theo would have no memory of later. God only knew how much time had passed between Liam’s crash and the moment Theo snapped out of his trance, finding himself behind the steering wheel of his mother’s truck, hitting the gas pedal with a foot that was wearing only a sock, not a shoe, tears burning in his eyes as he left town. 

 

Where exactly he was going to go first, Theo didn’t know yet, but he’d figure it out before too long. He had to find Liam, it didn’t matter how. He had to make sure Liam had survived, and that he was going to be alright again. Theo could see no other destination, no other goal in front of his teary eyes than that. 

 

Liam. 

 

He had to find him. 


	6. The Silence After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Janna 💙
> 
> I caved and let Liam live although it means I will have to write more chapters at some point. You better remember to be thankful after you've made it through this one lol. 
> 
> To everyone who's still here, thank you. Seriously. I'm not sure I'd put up with this shit. 
> 
> For the record, I only know as much about the medical stuff towards the end of the chapter as the first google page told me when I looked at it very briefly. Add it to the long list of my many flaws.

Theo wasn’t sure where he was going, or what he was doing at all, to be exact, but giving up wasn’t an option. He re-watched the videos of Liam and zoomed in on street signs until he was about eighty percent sure that Beacon County was the place to go. It was the middle of the night when he started stopping for hospitals there, although when people told him that no Liam had been brought in after a car accident, he wasn’t completely certain whether they were telling him the truth or if it had more to do with the fact that he wasn’t wearing shoes and knew nothing about Liam except his first name and the fact that he’d been in an accident. 

 

Like that, it was debatable how much sense the whole search for Liam even made, but what else was Theo supposed to do? Did he have much realistic hope of finding him? No. Was his already slim hope fading with every unsuccessful attempt? Yes. But did that mean he could give up? Absolutely not. 

 

Theo was walking back outside into the parking lot of hospital number fourteen, zooming in to the map on his phone to choose which one to best try next. Liam could have been dead already, for all he knew, and he’d never find out. Or Liam was fighting for his life somewhere right at the second. Beacon Hills Memorial would be next, Theo decided, but before he could get into the truck and get on his way, his mom called, and although Theo was tempted to decline the call since he was too busy at the moment, he realized in time that he’d left without a word and taken her truck, that he hadn’t come home all evening and that it was long past midnight. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he said into the speaker instead of a hello. 

 

“Thank god you’re alright!” His mom replied, sounding relieved. “I’ve been trying to call you for hours. Where did you have to go so suddenly? It’s gonna be Christmas morning in a few hours.” 

 

Theo bit his lip. What exactly was he going to say to her?  _ Sorry Mom, I’ve been watching a stranger on YouTube slowly losing his shit and now he’s crashed his car so I’m going to search the whole country if need be until I find him?  _

 

Theo had no business with Liam’s struggles, or his accident. He shouldn’t even have known about it. He couldn’t possibly explain to anyone why he cared so much, and why it mattered. He couldn’t put his feelings into words. 

 

“Mom?” He asked quietly. 

 

“Honey, are you okay?” She wanted to know. “Do you need me to come and get you?” 

 

Theo shook his head because he was so used to her understanding little things like that, but he was on the phone now, and unlike the rest of his life, this time, she had no idea what was going on with him. He owed her at least something, and it had to be in actual words. 

 

“Listen, Mom. You trust me, right?” 

 

“Of course I do.” 

 

“I don’t know how to explain it right now, but I will once I’m home, okay? I don’t know when that will be, but you don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine, I promise. But someone else needs me right now.” 

 

For a moment, she didn’t say anything. He knew it was hard for her. She did trust him, and it wasn’t like he’d ever given her a reason not to. Still, he was her son and also the sun that her world revolved around. He wasn’t a kid anymore, but neither of them were used to him being away from home without her knowing exactly where. There had never been any secrets between them. It wasn’t a secret now, either, but he wasn’t telling the entire truth, and she could tell. 

 

“Okay,” she sighed. “Just… take care of yourself, Theo. And call me if you need me. And come back home. And be careful, alright?” 

 

“I promise,” he said, and then a little more quietly, “I’m sorry I took the truck and just left like that. And I’m sorry I’m leaving you alone at Christmas.” 

 

“I’m not gonna lie, baby, I’m very curious what could possibly be going on there, but I trust you. As long as I know you’re alright, I’m alright too. And just because this is your home doesn’t mean you have to be here all the time. It just means that you can come back here at any time you need to.” 

 

“You’re pretty amazing, Mom,” Theo told her, his voice a little shaky, “Merry Christmas.” 

 

“Be safe, Theo boy,” she replied. “I love you.” 

 

All that Theo could think about was whether Liam had a mom as great and unconditionally loving as he did. He looked at the clock and maybe three in the morning wasn’t the best time to do it, but Theo couldn’t stop, couldn’t even think about sleeping, so he climbed behind the steering wheel and drove off towards Beacon Hills, a small town that looked like all the other small towns in northern California, especially at night, but somehow still felt different, although that might have just been the coffee Theo had gotten at the first 24-hour-diner he’d come across on his way. 

 

After fourteen other hospitals, Theo shouldn’t have been so nervous as he parked the truck and walked towards the main entrance. The walls were bright and the lights even brighter, almost blinding him as he entered. He must have looked awful, but the nurse he found behind the counter at the reception was the first one that night who gave him a sympathetic smile nonetheless, asking politely what it was that she could do for him. 

 

The empathy in her warm, brown eyes gave him a feeling that this one could be the place where it would all go differently, but in the end, it didn't. She didn’t talk to him like he was a child, and she didn’t comment on his dirty socks or his red-rimmed eyes. Still, when Theo asked about Liam and had to admit that no, he wasn’t related to him, and no, he hadn’t been involved in the accident himself, she said she couldn’t help him.

 

“Since when do you have to be related to someone in order to care about their well-being?” Theo snapped. The friendly nurse was just doing her job, and he knew the rules, but he was tired and restless, his nerves on edge. “You don’t even have to let me go see him, I just want to know if he’s alright, can’t you understand that?” He sounded desperate, begging. 

 

The woman looked at him. She felt sorry, he could tell. “I can,” she replied, “and I wish I could help you, but I’m not allowed to give out any sort of information about patients. Listen.” She came around the counter and laid a hand on his arm carefully, waiting for his reaction. “I know you’re just worried. I’m sorry you have to go through this right now. But this Liam is your friend, right? He’ll be in touch with you soon, I’m sure. Or his family. Maybe see if you can get a few hours of sleep. There might be news from him in the morning.” 

 

Theo looked at her. She meant well, but… sleep? “I can’t,” he pressed out, shaking his head. “I can’t just… Not while he’s…” 

 

“Okay, you know what? Just sit down for a while, let me bring you some water. Just take a moment and calm down. Did you come here alone?” 

 

Theo nodded dumbly at let her lead him to the waiting area. Half functioning at best, he managed to sit down and take the plastic cup she handed him a few minutes later. 

 

“There you go,” she said as he took a sip, rubbing his back. “Just stay here as long as you need, okay? Calm down a little before you drive home. Is there anyone I should call for you?” 

 

“No,” Theo said, shaking his head. “Mom already knows. I’m fine.” He drank some more water and focused his eyes on the exit door. The nurse meant well, but he was just going to pretend like he was taking it slow and going home so she’d leave him alone. And then he’d continue searching for Liam. 

 

“If you need anything, you know where to find me,” she said, waiting for his nod before she left the room. 

 

Theo took a deep breath out and looked around. The waiting area was mostly empty, unsurprisingly, considering the late hour. There was a middle-aged slightly drunk seeming man sitting across from him, pressing  a bunch of blood-soaked dishtowels against the side of his face. A small group of teenagers was occupying one corner, but they were all on their phones and Theo couldn’t tell what was wrong with any of them, if anything at all. A little grandma was snoring in her chair left to him. Another man got a granola bar from the vending machine to his right and then left. 

 

Theo sighed. Was it not Beacon Hills after all? He could have sworn there was a feeling, something he couldn’t quite put into words, but now he was disillusioned and empty, looking down into a plastic cup as if it held the answers to anything, which it didn’t. 

 

Just when Theo had made the decision to leave, a woman came walking into the room. The first thing Theo noticed about her was how tightly she was clutching the phone in her hand. Her shoulders were slumped, her head bowed. Her breathing was uneven, she might have been crying. The woman looked exactly like Theo felt on the inside. 

 

She sat down on one of the plastic chairs so carefully that it gave Theo second-hand anxiety. Her hands were shaking. She looked down at her phone. Light brown strands of long, wavy hair fell in front of her face. For some reason, Theo was holding his breath as he watched her typing on her phone with trembling fingers. She seemed so fragile, so miserable, and even if it shouldn’t have shocked him at a place like a hospital, it still did, catching his attention and holding it, even as Theo still wondered why. 

 

The woman kept her head down as she pressed the phone against her ear. The tension was almost palpable. Theo could barely breathe. It seemed like they both waited for a long moment until the woman let her hand sink with a suffocated sob. “Come on,” she whispered to herself, or her phone, or whoever wasn’t picking up as she called again. “Please.” 

 

Theo felt sorry for her. It was so quiet in the room that he heard the beeping sounds from her phone. The second call went to voicemail. 

 

“Goddamnit, David,” she said. Her voice cut through the silence and Theo’s heart, for a reason he didn’t know. “Where are you? This is the twentieth time I’m calling you, and I’m going insane here without you.” 

 

Theo thought that he should leave. He wasn’t supposed to listen to this woman’s misery. Who knew what she was doing at the hospital. She could have just gotten a terrible diagnosis, or worse, lost someone. And whatever it was, she was dealing with it on her own, and guy named David wasn’t picking up his damn phone. Theo crumpled his empty cup and threw it into the trashcan in the corner. 

 

Apparently, that caught the woman’s attention. For the first time, she looked up and right at him. The piercing blue in her eyes caused Theo’s heart to skip a beat. He stayed in his seat, as if he was paralyzed. 

 

“He’s still in surgery, and I don’t know what to do,” she continued talking into the phone. Tears were glistening in the corners of her eyes and between her lashes. Damp tracks were visible on her cheeks, her lip was quivering, but Theo couldn’t tear his gaze away from the baby blue eyes. He must be going crazy, he thought. 

 

“They’re not telling me anything,” the woman choked out. “My little baby is on an operating table right now and I have no idea if he’s going to be alright.” 

 

Theo could feel her pain, more than he should have, and almost more than he could take. The same tears that were streaming down her cheeks wanted to escape his eyes as well. 

 

“David, please,” she begged. “Do something. Save him.” 

 

She started sobbing uncontrollably and Theo was in shock. Slowly, she put the phone away and buried her face in her hands instead, her shoulders shaking. Theo heard his own voice, weak and somehow far away. 

 

“You’re Liam’s mom,” it said. 

 

Realistically, he knew he shouldn’t have said it. He couldn’t just assume that the woman was Liam’s mom because she had the same eyes as the boy, and it was going to be awkward as hell if he was wrong. And even if he was right, then how would he explain what he was doing at the hospital and how he knew about what had happened? 

 

The woman looked him right in the eyes, her sobs silenced for a minute. For just an instance, Theo was sure he’d fucked up. This poor woman was probably thinking it was a prank, and she sure as hell wasn’t in the mood for that. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Theo mumbled, getting up. He’d spent way more time at this hospital than he should have already. He really, really needed to leave. 

 

She followed him with her eyes, and when he’d almost gotten past her and to the door, she reached for his hand. Her lips parted for words to come out. Questions, probably, but she didn’t ask Theo to explain himself. No who or why or how left her mouth. Maybe they would have, if she hadn’t started to cry again. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Theo repeated, but he meant it differently this time, sitting back down in the chair right next to the wailing woman who was still holding his hand tightly. While she was crying, and crying, and crying, Theo’s arm slung around her trembling body in an attempt to comfort her, he came to the realization that she wasn’t going to demand any answers from him. She probably wasn’t even thinking about it. She didn’t care about Theo. She cared about Liam. And like she’d said, Liam was currently on an operating table, and neither of them knew more than that.

 

Some more people came into the room, and some of them left again. Liam’s mom checked her phone a couple of times, which only made her cry harder. It seemed strange, for Theo to be sitting there with her for hours, handing her tissues and getting her awful coffee. Still, neither of them tried to escape the situation. They didn’t really talk. She hadn’t even asked for his name. They just sat and cried and waited, and waited, and waited. The Christmas decorations in the waiting area were the saddest things Theo had ever seen. 

 

At around nine on Christmas morning, finally, a doctor came to see Liam’s mom. Theo should have been dead tired, but he couldn’t be. He wasn’t above begging her, but she took his hand without being asked anyway and pulled him along into the hallway, following behind the doctor, who finally stopped and turned with a serious look on her face. 

 

“Mrs Geyer,” she said, “your son is alive.” 

 

Theo felt his own breath being released along with that of the woman next to him. It wasn’t everything either of them wanted to hear, but it was the most important thing. Liam hadn’t died. He was still there. There was still hope. He’d get better. 

 

“He’s stable for now,” the doctor continued. She spoke slowly and clearly. “What I mean by that is that Liam’s life is not in immediate danger anymore. I will not make any false promises. He doesn’t look so good. We’ve had him in surgery all night long and he’s in a medically induced coma now. We’ve informed your husband’s hospital as well. I think it would make sense if we discussed the details once he’s here.” 

 

Liam’s mom nodded. “Can I see him?” She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. 

 

“Yes,” the doctor replied, and then she looked at Theo. “Only family, for now.” 

 

Theo nodded. He knew that Liam was alive, and he knew that Liam had a mom who was going to fight for his life. His biggest fears hadn’t come true, and even if it was hard to be thankful at that moment, eventually, he was going to be. 

 

“Can I wait here?” Theo asked Liam’s mom. “I just… I won’t bother you, I just can’t really go home just yet.” 

 

The woman touched his cheek and nodded before she followed the doctor through a double door system into the ICU. Theo went back to the waiting room. The nurse that had brought him there hours earlier stuck her head inside for a moment. She was wearing a jacket and had a purse on her arm. When she spotted Theo, she gave him a smile. 

 

“Liam is a lucky guy,” she said, and then she left. 

 

Time didn’t feel real. Theo spent Christmas on a plastic chair. He almost smiled when his mother sent him a picture of a present underneath their Christmas tree at home, and he answered with a red, sparkling heart. If Liam hadn’t been more important in that moment, he would have gone straight home to give her a big hug. 

 

A man who introduced himself as David to Theo came to see him later that day. He sat down and thanked Theo for staying with Jenna, which must have been Liam’s mother’s name. He was also the first one to ask Theo who he was. 

 

“Theo,” he nodded after Theo had introduced himself as well. “So you’re a friend of Liam’s?” 

 

“Something like that,” Theo nodded. It was absolutely not like that, not even in the slightest, but how was he supposed to even begin explaining that? “I can go if you want me to. I just wanted to make sure he’s okay.” 

 

David shook his head. “Theo, can I ask you something?”

 

“Sure,” Theo said, although he was very well aware of the possibility that he wouldn’t be able to answer the question that was about to follow. 

 

“How did you know about the accident?” 

 

Right.  _ That.  _

 

Theo considered fleeing. Or making something up. He didn’t want to tell the truth because it was going to let Liam appear like he hadn’t been paying enough attention. Or worse, like the accident hadn’t been an accident at all. The problem was, the evidence existed. Theo had seen it, and certainly, he wasn’t the only one. Liam’s parents were going to find out either way. 

 

“He was filming himself,” Theo said truthfully. It made him feel guilty, like he was betraying Liam, but Liam was currently unconscious and in a hospital bed. Quite frankly, Theo was under the impression that he needed help. The kind of help that he wouldn’t get if nobody saw what kind of serious stuff was going on with him. 

 

“He was filming himself?” David seemed surprised, which surprised Theo a little too. 

 

“In the car, singing,” Theo elaborated. “Like he usually does. He was live, and I was watching.” Theo felt a little bit like a creep admitting it, but in that moment it seemed more important that he was a witness to what had happened. Liam’s parents deserved to know about it. 

 

“He was driving, and he was singing. And then the song was over, and just a few seconds later-” A shudder went down Theo’s spine at just the memory. If his eyes hadn’t been dried out at that point, he would have started crying again. “- all I heard was a loud crash, and then a second one. And then it was over.” 

 

The man in front of Theo covered his mouth with one hand and shook his head lightly, looking at him through glassy eyes. He left Theo alone again after getting that kind of information. He seemed shocked. 

 

An hour or two later, Jenna came to see him. Theo had almost been asleep when she nudged his shoulder. “I’m going to take you somewhere to eat,” she declared, “and it’s not up for discussion.” 

 

They didn’t drive far away from the hospital, and Theo still wasn’t wearing shoes. Jenna ordered for him at a diner where the coffee tasted a whole lot better than at the hospital and Theo forced some pasta down, realizing that he’d really needed it. 

 

Out of nowhere, Jenna suddenly began talking. “I had no idea he was still doing it, you know.” 

 

Theo set his fork down and listened. 

 

“He was so fascinated by music when he was a kid. I had to pay for both guitar and piano lessons because he couldn’t choose one over the other. He was testing me so badly with his music always blaring at absolute maximum volume when he was at home. It was so annoying. I wished he’d just dial it down a bit, you know? But if Liam is one thing, it’s stubborn. He loved his music, and he wasn’t going to spend one minute of his life without it. I could take his guitar away all I wanted, or lock the room where the piano was in, but it wouldn’t stop him from humming a melody or singing.” 

 

Theo knew he wasn’t falling for Liam for no reason. He had no difficulties picturing him as a kid. 

 

“One thing he especially loved doing,” Jenna went on, “was filming himself while singing along to the radio when we were driving. I never understood what he was doing. So many times, I told him to stop because he was distracting me. As you can imagine, it was hopeless. He always told me he needed the practice if he was going to be a famous musician one day. I would have preferred if he’d practiced in his room instead of the car, but there was something about it, the driving and the singing, something that made it special to him.” 

 

“It paid off,” Theo whispered. Liam’s singing was flawless. 

 

“I never knew,” the woman sighed. “It stopped. Somewhere around puberty, it just stopped. He started getting into lacrosse, and with high school, he made so many new friends. He had less and less time for the music. It was normal, or so I thought. His interests were changing. He was a teenager. My baby Liam was growing up. And once he started driving on his own, I wasn’t there to hear him singing anymore. I thought he’d long given up on it.” 

 

“But he didn’t,” Theo added. 

 

“No, he didn’t,” Jenna agreed. 

 

They didn’t finish their food, but Theo didn’t think he could take any more. Full and empty at the same time, he followed Liam’s mother outside. “I should probably bring you home,” she said, looking at his socks. How he had gotten beyond the point of embarrassment of them was a mystery to Theo, seriously. “It’s Christmas, and I’m sure your family is missing you.” 

 

“Mom’s fine,” Theo replied, “she knows I had somewhere important to be.” Still, he didn’t fight her. Theo wasn’t allowed to see Liam yet, and there wasn’t much else to do. He needed sleep even more badly than he needed shoes or a toothbrush. He had no money on him and no phone charger and Liam wasn’t even awake. Besides, what if he had been? Then what? 

 

“I have my truck at the hospital,” Theo finally gave in. “I’ll go home if you promise me you’ll let me know immediately when something, anything changes. I just want to know how he is.” 

 

She fished a phone out of her pocket and held it out for Theo to enter his number. 

 

“Thanks,” he mumbled, and on the ride back to Beacon Hills Memorial, it was a little awkward between the two of them for the first time. It felt like there was nothing left to say, nothing left that either of them could offer the other for support or consolation. 

 

“Drive safely, Theo,” Jenna said as she hugged him, “and thank you.” 

 

Theo turned the heat on in the truck and the radio off. The way back home was much longer than he remembered it and if he hadn’t craved his own mother’s embrace so badly, he would have done the reasonable thing and stopped, maybe to find a room somewhere so he could sleep before driving any farther. 

 

It was dark and Theo was drained of the absolute last of his energy by the time he finally stood in front of the door of his own house, fumbling with the keys, his fingers somehow unwilling to obey him. Fortunately, the door was opened from the inside a few moments later and his mom pulled him inside. 

 

“Tomorrow,” Theo murmured into her sweater as she dragged him into the living room that was illuminated by Christmas lights and smelled wonderfully like home. Tomorrow he would tell her everything. 

 

He fell down onto the couch and was wrapped into a blanket. He felt a hand smoothing through his hair and careful fingers pulling the socks from his cold feet before wrapping another blanket around them. He was safe and warm and even if he couldn’t know whether everything was going to be alright, Theo could absolutely not stay awake for even a minute longer, so he let go and fell asleep. 

 

***

 

It wasn’t unusual for Liam to wake up really slowly from a dream, feeling like he had to fight his way through an invisible barrier to reach consciousness, but it still felt different that time. He could hear voices, but not what they were saying. He could feel light shining upon his eyelids, but they wouldn’t open. He couldn’t remember the dream he’d had either, and the harder he tried, the more it hurt his head. He struggled for a while before he gave up, deciding that he would go back to sleep for a while longer. He’d never been much of a morning person anyway. 

 

The second time Liam woke up, he was still exceptionally disoriented. His limbs were aching, like he’d slept in an uncomfortable position for too long. Breathing wasn’t as easy as it should have been, and his heartache was nearly killing him. Liam thought he must be hungover, but oddly enough, he didn’t feel sick to the stomach at all. 

 

“Liam,” his mother said softly. “Liam.” His first thought was that he was supposed to be on Christmas holidays, so why on earth was she dragging him out of bed? Why would she voluntarily do that to herself when it wasn’t even a school day? 

 

Liam finally managed to open his eyes properly. His room looked weird, really weird, and his mom had brought David for support. Something was definitely going on. He looked down at himself. There was too little color and too much white everywhere. White walls, white sheets, white plastic chairs in the corner of the room. 

 

Shit.

 

“Hey, sweety,” his mom whispered. She was holding his hand, and Liam was so scared that he didn’t let go of it. 

 

“Don’t be scared,” David told him, moving around the bed to his other side. “Take it easy. You’re okay, Liam. We’re here. You had an accident, but you’re going to be fine. Can you hear me?” 

 

Liam nodded and saw relief in his parents’ faces. He was scared, still, but he tried to focus on what they were telling him, on his mother’s hand in his own and the doctor’s observations as she came in to check him over. His vision became sharp after some minutes, and he could feel every part of his body, which was a very, very good sign, even if not all of it would move like he wanted it to. Although he sounded hoarse at first, Liam could speak without problems. He was promised that his lack of memories of the actual accident itself didn’t mean anything. They were going to come back soon enough. 

 

Liam was awake for a just a short while before he felt exhausted and drifted off again, but later in the evening, he managed to stay awake longer, sitting up. He drank some water and even ate. Everything they tried felt hard at first but became easier really quickly, and it was a huge relief to see that his body seemed to be functioning pretty well, all things considered. 

 

Jenna didn’t think he needed to know all the details of his injuries, but he asked David to explain them either way, at least enough so that he’d know what to expect moving forward. Apparently, he’d suffered from quite a lot of internal bleeding. The headache was related to a severe concussion that needed to be observed for some time. The tricky part, and the reason why he’d been in surgery for several hours after the accident, was a fracture of his spine. Liam wasn’t allowed to move much, and his torso was held together by a corsage-like piece of plastic and metal that was so tight he could barely breathe. He was about to complain about it being uncomfortable, but his cervical spinal cord had been damaged and Liam was lucky that he wasn’t paralyzed. His discomfort was a small price to pay for it staying that way. 

 

Nobody said anything about the accident, or blamed him, but in his hospital bed on Christmas, Liam turned into a helpless little child, afraid of what was happening, looking at his parents for salvation. He let the information about his injuries sink in, and while his mom claimed to be thankful he hadn’t gotten himself killed, Liam wasn’t so sure about it. 

 

When the nurses brought dinner and visiting hours were coming to an end, Liam was almost glad. He didn’t want to be alone, but he needed it, he guessed, to have a few hours where he wouldn’t pretend like he was fully willing to fight his way back into a normal life. He swallowed hard when his parents left. 

 

“Oh, by the way,” his mom said with her fingers wrapped around the door handle. “I let Theo know you woke up. He was here all the time, even though it was Christmas. He didn’t sleep for two days. I’m sure he’ll come to see you when you’re ready.” 

 

The sound of her voice made it seem like she was telling him something nice and encouraging, but Liam was confused. 

 

“Who?” He asked. 

 

“Theo,” his mom answered. 

 

“Who’s Theo?” Liam wanted to know. Was he supposed to know a Theo? Had he known a Theo before the accident? 

 

“Your friend Theo, Liam,” she said. Her face had dropped. He could tell there were tears in her eyes. Yes, Liam was supposed to know a Theo, judging by her shocked expression. 

 

Liam could only shake his head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. He tried searching his memories for someone named Theo, for anything that would come up at the sound of that name, but he couldn’t, for the life of him, find any damn thing. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. He couldn’t remember. 


	7. Memories

Even with all the emotions inside him, Theo slept for almost an entire day. He was tucked under a blanket on the couch in the living room when the first rays of sunshine woke him up, a glass of water waiting for him on the coffee table. He was warm and safe and still endlessly tired, and everything he managed to do was take a sip and drag himself up the stairs to his bedroom, where an actual mattress was a way more comfortable option to sleep on. He still had the taste of a dream on his tongue, and his mind resumed the spiraling as soon as he fell asleep again, but that was as far as the processing of recent events went for the moment.

 

Theo registered his mom coming inside to check on him at some point, but he wasn't yet ready to explain anything. She left a plate full of food on his desk and kissed his head before she left again. It had gone dark outside by the time his hunger finally forced Theo to wake. The temptation was there to just shove what his mom had made him down and then crawl back beneath the blanket, but Theo knew he couldn't hide forever. Not just from his mom, but from the things that had happened that nobody except him knew the full truth about.

 

A shower was too much, but Theo put on a fresh pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt before he carried his plate downstairs to sit at the kitchen table while eating. It had been too long since he'd come down the stairs and really appreciated his mother being there, looking up at him, greeting him with a smile, waiting, loving him, ready to catch him in her arms. Theo knew he needed her. Like a child, although he was long too old for that, he counted on her to make the world a better place before he'd go out and deal with it.

 

"Thanks, Mom," Theo said, his voice sleepy and rough. "I'm sorry I left you alone on Christmas."

 

"Oh honey," she replied softly, stroking through his messed up hair with careful fingers. "I don't need any apologies from you. What I need is for you to tell me you're alright, and I'll be alright too."

 

Theo dug into a pile of scrambled eggs and took a bite out of a sandwich before the eggs were down. He nodded. He knew he was worrying his mom, scaring her. And he knew it was the last thing she deserved.

 

"I'm fine, Mom. I mean, I kind of got myself in a bit of a situation that I'm not sure how to deal with, but I'm fine. I'll figure it out."

 

"What situation, Theo? Do you need help? You know I'll do whatever I can, right? And you know there's no judgment in this house."

 

Theo put down his fork and nodded. Where was he supposed to start? Whatever she was imagining right now, it probably wasn't at all what was actually going on. He didn't want her to think he was in any serious trouble. He also couldn't lie to her, never had. Theo took a deep breath out. He had to tell her the truth. She sat diagonally across from him, waiting, looking at him. Like it had always been between Theo and his mom, he couldn't keep things to himself, simply because with her patient and supportive manner, she made him  _ want _ to share.

 

He was looking down at his own fingers as he spoke. "I think I fell in love."

 

He heard her gasping, and from the atmosphere in the room alone, without looking at her, he knew she was smiling. "Theo!" She said, "That's wonderful. Tell me about them, love."  Theo let her take his hand and squeeze it. Of course she'd be positively excited for him. For a moment, he wished that there wasn't more to the story, that he was simply telling his mom about the pretty boy he had a crush on.

 

"It's kind of complicated," he admitted. "We didn't exactly meet in a very conventional way. Actually, we haven't met at all."

 

He could tell she wasn't following, but she nodded, letting him know that she was willing to listen.

 

Again, Theo exhaled deeply. He reached inside the pocket of his sweats and pulled out his phone. Some things simply couldn't be put into words. "It began months ago," he explained, "before the summer holidays, actually." He unlocked his phone and opened the YouTube app. "There's this guy. I just came across one of his videos one day. Here." Theo chose one of the early summer clips and clicked play on it, putting his phone down to let his mom watch as Liam set up his phone in the car and then sang. It was a bittersweet moment, rewatching the video with all his knowledge of what had happened later. Theo remembered falling in love, and the  _ falling _ was equally present as the  _ love _ in his heart.

 

Theo couldn't let the video play until the end, he just couldn't. He let his mother watch and listen for maybe half a minute before he pressed pause. "This," he said, "is Liam."

 

There was more, so much more to the story than 'this is Liam', but it was so much that he didn't know where to start and how to explain, and Liam himself was the whole point, and if looking at his face and listening to his voice didn't make her understand why Theo had lost his heart to that boy, then words wouldn't make up for it anyway.

 

"Liam doesn't know me," Theo continued. "And for the longest time I thought that was the whole issue with our little story, but unfortunately, it's not." In that moment, Theo realized that the words he couldn't speak were indeed right there, but they hurt him too much. He thought back to every video that had followed the one he'd just shown his mother, to watching Liam slowly falling apart. He thought about Liam now lying in a hospital bed, his life hanging by a thread while nobody knew how willing Liam was to hold onto it. Tears wanted to well up in Theo's eyes, and as much as he told himself he couldn't let them get him right now, he was helpless.

 

"My sweet boy," his mom whispered, holding his hand in hers. "What happened?"

 

"There are more videos like that," Theo pressed out. "Of Liam driving in his car, I mean, and singing. But they're getting... different. Sad. Dark. They're not... they weren't fun to watch, Mom."

 

The entire time, Theo had looked at his phone or their hands, knowing that his mother's eyes would cost him the last of his composure, but now he needed them, needed to find hope in them. He needed her to promise him everything was going to be alright, like she'd done a million times before. When he looked up and met her gaze though, he finally broke and couldn't hold the tears in anymore.

 

"This is why I left so suddenly," he managed to say, his voice strangled and weak and ugly. The last clip was still there for everyone to see, with a couple of thousand clicks and a few hundred comments he didn't even dare to look at. Theo averted his eyes. He couldn't go through it again, but he knew what happened anyway, like every detail of it was burned into his memory forever, and when two loud bangs followed each other and his mother's arms came around him, there was nothing left to say.

 

For a minute or two, Theo just shed the tears that wanted to be shed and sobbed into his mother's sweater. He couldn't deal with someone as bright and beautiful as Liam dimming their light on purpose, searching for the dark and in the end, accidentally nearly finding it. There was too much sadness, too much hopelessness. Too much fear that even Theo's willingness to give everything he could wasn't going to be enough to make a difference.

 

He wanted Liam to live. He wanted Liam to  _ want _ to live. He wanted Liam to look at the world and find nice, beautiful things and warm fuzzy feelings to sing songs about. He wanted sparks in his pretty blue eyes and a smile on his lips, and Theo didn't care if it was only on the screen of his phone, if only Liam would find a way to be happy.

 

"You found him," his mom murmured, wiping away tears although they just kept coming, streaming down his cheeks. “That’s where you went.” 

 

Theo nodded. "Well, not really. I didn't think about what I was doing. I just had to do something. At the fourteenth hospital-" Theo sniffed and tried to breathe. Anybody else except the woman who'd known him all his life probably wouldn't have understand a word he was saying. "- I thought it was useless. I was looking for the needle in the haystack. And then there was a woman in the waiting room. She was on the phone, crying about her son who was in surgery while she had no clue if he was going to be saved." Another wave of tears attacked him at the memory of Jenna Geyer breaking down in fear for her son's life.

 

Theo's mom was very clearly shocked. Tears were glittering in her eyes as well, but she kept it together as well as she could, holding Theo in her arms, rubbing his back in an attempt to give him comfort. "Is he alive?" She asked, and only then did Theo realize that he'd left out that part. He nodded.

 

"He's in a coma now, I think. I wanted to wait, but they said it could take a while until he wakes up again. His mom promised me she'll let me know as soon as he wakes up. I don't even know what I'm going to do when that happens, I just want him to be alright again."

 

"Theo, love, I can't believe this," his mom said. "You literally ran out of the house and drove like crazy just to find this boy."

 

Theo had no memory of those things happening. The fear had taken up all of his mental capacities at the time. "I needed to know he was alive." The words came out in an ugly sob, but Theo wasn't thinking about that.

 

"I love you so, so much, Theo," she said, pressing him against herself. Theo was far from okay. Liam was alive, but apart from that, he had no idea how he was doing, and if Jenna decided not to inform him, he'd never know. Even if Liam recovered from the accident, Theo knew that things weren't good, and he couldn't forget about it. Before the news that Liam had survived the crash, Theo had been afraid of only one thing. Now, the fears were infinite.

 

He cried until no more tears were left. He drank the tea his mom made him and let her wrap him in a blanket in front of the tv.  It was a relief to have talked about Liam with someone, but now both Theo and his mother were waiting for news from him. The Christmas tree and decorations seemed wrong and out of place. Theo had no interest in unwrapping the present that was still waiting for him. Time refused to pass as he was lying on the couch, not talking, not paying attention to the show that was playing in the background, barely doing anything at all except breathing. He fell into a slumber but never asleep, his body like paralyzed while is mind was running wild.

 

"Hey, Theo," his mom said softly when he opened his eyes again. "I just talked to Jenna. I didn't want to wake you up, but I figured you wouldn't want to miss her call." Theo was sitting upright immediately, his heart beating almost violently against his ribcage.

 

"Is he...?"

 

"Awake," she nodded before Theo could think about how to end his question. Thank god for her, truly.

 

"Listen, I don't know how much exactly you know already," she sighed. Theo tensed up, sensing that she wasn't liking what she had to tell him. "Liam's condition isn't great. He's hurt his back pretty severely. If he recovers from that physically, it will take a long time. This woman had a lot of really sweet things to say about you, love, and she wants me to tell you how thankful they are for Liam having someone like you in his life, but she's afraid it will take a while until he's ready to see you."

 

Theo nodded. He could live with that. He could live with never getting to see Liam ever, if it meant that Liam was alright somewhere without him. He looked at his mom's pursed lips and her watery eyes. She wasn't done, and Theo was scared.

 

"Promise me something, Theo," she whispered, her voice shaky, and now he was really scared.

"The next time you feel like you need to be a hero for someone, you tell me, okay? You're not getting behind a steering wheel again while you're completely distraught. I will drive you. I will drive you everywhere you need to be, if it's the middle of the goddamn night or not, I don't care. I know you didn't think about it, but you were being really stupid, Theo. You could have landed in a hospital just as well as Liam."

 

Theo felt ashamed. She was right, he hadn't stopped to think about it that way for even a second. "I promise," he replied. "I'm sorry. I promise it, Mom."

 

*

 

For the first time in Theo's life, Christmas holidays went on for an eternity. There wasn't much to distract himself with, and every time he tried, he found something that somehow reminded him of Liam. One week after the first call, Jenna sent him a message, saying that Liam was being strong and brave, starting the long way to his recovery. She thanked Theo for being at the hospital and wished him a happy new year, which without Liam getting significantly better, wasn't going to happen. One week after that came a similar message, containing little to no new information and very vague statements about the importance of never losing hope. Although Theo was glad she texted him, there was very little consolation in her words.

 

Theo went back to college, which made him worry about finishing his due papers and upcoming exams, but no less about Liam. It was cold and dry outside and driving made Theo feel a little more sick every time until he finally gave it up. The worst of his fears hadn't come true, but that alone wasn't good enough to make him feel like things were going to be right again eventually. 

 

Change came with February and a new message.

 

It sounded different this time, the wording as well as the things it said, but it took Theo a moment to realize that the message wasn't from Jenna, it was from Liam.

 

It wasn't at all about how he was doing or how well his recovery was progressing. What Liam said was thanks for being there at the hospital and sorry for not reaching out sooner. And finally, that he wanted to see Theo. That he was still at the hospital, not in the greatest shape, but he wanted Theo's company. What Theo's heart wanted was to jump out of his chest, apparently, probably to escape all the emotions that were all of a sudden dancing around in a whirlwind inside him.

 

Theo was smart enough to ask his mom to drive him to Beacon Hills this time. Quite frankly, he was terrified, but there was no way on earth it was going to keep him from finally meeting Liam in person. He didn't know what to expect. While Liam's parents had believed Theo when he'd claimed to be a friend of Liam's, Liam knew the truth, and Theo would have to explain himself at last. He spent all of the car ride to the hospital figuring out a way to make his side of the story sound like he was in fact not a sick stalker or a pervert or something, but he wasn't sure he was ready when he stood in front of the entrance once again, scared as he'd been the first time, but for more different reasons.

 

Thankfully, his mom had driven off, promising to come back to pick Theo up if he texted her to. It was hard for her, but she knew he had to do this on his own. Theo wiped his sweaty palms at his jeans and walked inside, finding the same nurse from weeks ago, only that this time, she recognized him instantly, greeted him with a smile and told him which room Liam was in.

 

"How is he?" Theo asked. He figured a nurse who barely knew him wasn't going to sugarcoat anything, and he genuinely wanted to know.

 

"Honestly," the woman said, "compared to most other patients here, he has a long way to go. That's not easy for someone so young, especially mentally. I only wish the best for him, and he'll need it."

 

Theo nodded. Not the most hopeful statement possible, but it was true, and it wasn't as terrible as it could have been. "Thanks," he mumbled, and then it was time to stop stalling. He was very much aware of the possibility that Liam would freak out on him and send him away, that he was only invited as some sort of outlet for Liam's anger. In the end, if it made Liam feel any tiny bit better, he'd give that to him willingly. He stopped in front of the door with the room number the nurse had told him and exhaled deeply before he knocked on it.

 

"Theo? Come in!" Liam said and Theo didn't know how to feel about the fact that the voice sounded familiar to him, as if he had any right to know the person it belonged to.

 

"Yeah, it's me," Theo said, pushing the door open and peeking inside.

 

Liam was sitting propped up against his bed. He was wearing one of those white hospital gowns and most of his body was covered by a white blanket. His hair was messy, his beard unkempt, his bare arms covered in fading traces of cuts and smaller wounds, but his blue eyes were wide open, his lips drawn into a friendly smile. Theo had never seen him quite the same way, very obviously because he'd never seen him in real life, but also because he was both off-the-rails-Liam and happily excited Liam at the same time, which made Theo a little uncomfortable.

 

"Hey," Liam smiled. "There you are."

 

"Yeah," Theo replied, focused on closing the door behind him as quietly as possible. "Here I am."

 

"Sorry I didn't try to talk to you sooner," Liam said. His eyes were tracking Theo, who stood at his bed, a little clueless as to what exactly he was supposed to do. "I knew you'd been there before I woke up from the coma. Mom told me that same day. I wanted to thank you for that, but, well, I didn't really know where to start."

 

"Oh no, don't worry," Theo said, and he meant it. Liam shouldn't be thinking about something as irrelevant as that. There were clearly more important things going on in his life right now. "I really just wanted to know if you were alright. That's why I was here. And then your mom told me you'd woken up, so I knew that too. She's been keeping me updated, I hope you don't mind."

 

"No." Liam shook his head and then put his smile back on as if he was suddenly remembering that he had to look happy for some reason Theo wasn't aware of. He patted the mattress next to his body and invited Theo to come and sit down. "Anyway, I'm glad you're here now. It's incredibly boring to be in here all day every day."

 

"Really?" Theo asked. Not that he'd ever been admitted to a hospital due to severe injuries to his spine, but he'd imagined Liam being busy with whatever they were making him do to work towards his recovery.

 

Liam's smile faltered a bit. "Actually, no," he sighed. He was eyeing Theo curiously, probably deciding whether he was worthy of an honest response or not. "It's not boring, it's exhausting. It should be boring, because I'm not doing anything except lying around or sitting around or swallowing pills or watching as someone else gives me a sponge bath, which is not fun, by the way. I have a little bit of physical therapy here and there, but truth be told, it's not enough to justify my constant need for sleep. It makes me feel like I'm failing."

 

"What?" Theo didn't like those words at all. "If anything, it should make you feel the opposite. You were in a coma. I mean, I'm not a doctor, but compared to that, you look great now. Don't you think you being exhausted proves that something's happening? That you're getting better?"

 

Liam shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe. It's just so little. If there's progress, then I can barely see it. And you haven't seen my mom. Ugh, Theo, I'm telling you." Liam rolled his eyes dramatically and groaned.

 

"What do you mean?" Theo laughed. "Your mom's amazing."

 

"My mom turned back into the mother of a fucking baby," Liam explained. "Now it feels like she goes into cheerleader mode when I make it through the night without shitting my dumb hospital gown. Can you imagine? 'Celebrating the small victories', she calls it. I swear to god, I can't take much more of that bullshit."

 

Theo couldn't help himself, he had to laugh out loud, if only for a moment before he had himself under control again.

 

"What?" Liam wanted to know, smiling. "What's so funny?"

 

Theo shook his head. It wasn't funny. Well, it was a little funny, the way Liam was expressing himself, but that wasn't it. He was relieved. He'd been worried sick, and Liam was far from healthy, but he was there, cracking jokes, complaining about the ways his mother chose to support him during his recovery. There were so, so many things left to be worked out, to be talked about and unpacked and made sense of, but Liam was alive, and it was no longer just something Theo told himself in order to deal with his fear, he could see it, and he believed it.

 

"Nothing," Theo whispered. "You don't know how great it is to see you smile."

 

Liam went still and nodded. "Another thing that I sometimes feel I have to learn again."

 

Theo shook his head and smiled. "Nah, you're alright. You're a natural. Some things don't get lost."

 

"Some things do," Liam replied seriously.

 

"Not forever," Theo insisted. He wasn't sure what they were talking about, but just in case, he needed Liam to know that he believed in him.

 

For the first time since Theo had entered the room, Liam's eyes left him, looking down instead, hiding the expression on his face, making him seem small. Sad, somehow. It reminded Theo of images he'd never wanted to see again, made him restless.

 

"Hey, Liam," he said, trying to make his voice as soft as possible. "What's wrong? Talk to me."

 

Liam shook his head first, but Theo knew there was something going on, and he didn't care if it wasn't nice and pretty. He was just a random stranger, as far as Liam was concerned, but he cared, and if that had any chance to be enough to make a difference, he'd try.

 

"Well, you don't have to. I'll still be here if you don't. But you can, if it helps."

 

Liam looked up again. He seemed uncomfortable. Parting his lips and then closing them again, Liam sighed and then finally spoke. "You really are a great guy, huh?"

 

Theo only shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know," he replied, "but I don't think you need to be an exceptionally good person to care about someone. That's normal."

 

Liam hesitated again. " _ Everything's _ wrong, you know," he admitted then. "I can't do any of the things I'd normally do, and there might be months or years ahead of me before that changes. I even miss going to school, Theo, can you imagine?" Theo couldn’t suppress a little smile at that. "Everything sucks, and I can't even move enough on my own to shave my stupid face. Now you've seen me looking like a caveman."

 

Quite frankly, Theo had seen Liam in worse conditions, but he kept that to himself. "Fine," he said instead. "If the beard bothers you, we're getting rid of it."

 

"What?"

 

"You said you wanted to shave. I can help you with that."

 

Liam's face brightened up for a moment, but the smile disappeared just as quickly. He pointed at the half open door to a tiny bathroom. "I literally don't have anything we'd need for that."

 

"Oh, don't worry," Theo said, jumping to his feet. "Give me five minutes, I'll be right back." He left Liam's room and walked down the hallway. He wasn't an expert, but Theo remembered the kid that had fallen down the stairs in elementary school and returned to class the next day with stitches at the back of their head and a whole lot of hair missing, so he was positive that somewhere in the hospital, there had to be at least some disposable razors, and he wasn't above begging the nurse from the reception for one.

 

Begging wasn't even necessary after Theo claimed to want to do some very important emotional therapy. He was back in Liam's room two minutes later with  a razor and shaving cream, smiling triumphantly at Liam's excited reaction.

 

"I'm not kidding when I say that this is the best thing that's happened to me all year," Liam grinned.

 

"So, how are we going to do this? Do you need me to-"

 

"If you have maybe half an hour, I could make it out of bed and to the bathroom," Liam said.

 

Theo took him in, thinking. "Wait." He went into the bathroom and looked around, finding a little plastic bucket. "Hey, Liam." Theo held the bucket out for Liam to see and peeked around the corner. "Tell me this isn't something anybody does their business in, and we're good to go."

 

"I'm pretty sure it's not," Liam answered.

 

"Excellent!" Theo filled it with warm water and returned to Liam's bed, placing the bucket in Liam's lap. "Are you cool with me doing this?" They didn't technically know each other, and not only was Theo going to have to touch him, but he'd literally operate a blade right at Liam's throat. He only wanted to help, but he'd understand if it was too far.

 

"Yeah, fuck it," Liam shrugged. "It's cool. Just do it."

 

Theo had plenty of experience shaving his own face, but not ever somebody else's. He had to sit so close to Liam that their thighs were touching, but Liam didn't seem to mind. It was strange, that the first touch of Theo's fingers against Liam's skin was when he rubbed the shaving cream into his beard. Theo tried his hardest not to look into Liam's eyes, focused on what his hands were doing, but Liam was very obviously and shamelessly watching him, making his cheeks heat up.

 

"Ready?" Theo whispered, sitting right at Liam's side with the razor in his hand.

 

"Been waiting for weeks," Liam whispered back.

 

Liam's eyes fluttered shut when Theo brought a hand to his neck and shaved off the first stripe of hair. His hand was trembling lightly, out of fear to accidentally cut Liam's skin and out of awe due to their proximity. He dipped the razor into the water bucket and continued, slowly revealing one smooth cheek and then another. He could feel Liam's breath on the back of his hand, which almost cost him all of his composure.  Liam pressed his lips into a thin line so Theo wouldn't touch them with the blade. Although it didn't feel like Theo totally knew what he was doing, the result didn't look so bad.

 

"Okay," Theo breathed out, putting one finger under Liam's chin. "Now look up." He'd left that part for later because he'd dreaded it as much as it excited him. Liam tore his eyes away and tipped his head back, baring his throat. Theo's heart was beating in an entirely new rhythm, fast and hard and almost like it was in his throat instead of his chest.

 

Liam held perfectly still, but every time he swallowed, Theo had to stop, partly because he didn't want to hurt him, and partly because he couldn't concentrate on anything else than Liam's adam's apple bobbing beneath his skin. He silently scolded himself for being inappropriate, but his body refused to feel the same shame about it that his brain did.

 

"Almost done," he said, getting rid of the last couple of hairs covering Liam's skin, although he didn't want to be done, didn't want to touch anything else but Liam's face and neck. He didn't have the right to wish for these things, but that wasn't how it worked. He wished anyway.

 

Theo finished up and emptied the bucket in the bathroom sink. He wetted a small towel and leaned down to clean Liam's face although there was absolutely no reason whatsoever why Liam couldn't do it himself, but Liam didn't even try, he just sat there and breathed, following Theo's movements with his eyes.

 

"Thanks," he said when Theo was done and there was finally no halfway plausible excuse left to keep touching Liam.

 

"Feel better?"

 

"So much better," Liam nodded, "you don't even know."

 

Theo smiled and settled back on the edge of Liam's bed, not as close as before now that there was no more need for it. "Anything else I can do for you?"

 

"Definitely," Liam smiled at him. "Next time you come visit me, you're cutting my hair."

 

"Absolutely not," Theo protested. He was a little bit shocked that Liam wanted there to be a next time. Why wasn't Liam asking any of the questions Theo was dreading so much? Why wasn't he demanding an explanation? Why was he being nice? Theo felt a sense of impending doom as they kept making conversation, but he wasn't going to mention anything if Liam didn't.

 

"It's so long though," Liam complained.

 

Theo liked the way a few strands fell into his face. Compared to Liam with shorter hair, it made his face look soft. "I'm not touching your hair," he said.

 

Liam looked at Theo's face and then away really quickly. Theo wasn't sure what it meant, but it was possible that he was blushing a little. "I guess I can live with that, for now. You've already saved the day anyway. So, tell me something. Something that isn't hospital related, please."

 

Theo laughed a little. He wanted to know how Liam was doing, how his recovery was progressing, but maybe that was something to call Jenna about. Maybe what Liam needed the most wasn't a medical miracle or another caretaker. A little distraction could be helpful, most likely, and so Theo started talking, unsure what to say at first, since he had no idea what things even interested Liam, but soon enough, he realized that it didn't matter. They talked for hours, forgetting the time, exchanging opinions on this or that tv show and sharing anecdotes from earlier times of their lives.

 

It was easy once Theo had gotten the first genuine laugh out of Liam, simply because he needed to hear it again. It turned out than Liam was extremely smart and incredibly funny. He knew a lot about history and he loved mythology. Although Theo didn't stand a chance to follow when he was talking, the spark in Liam's beautiful blue eyes was priceless.

 

The one topic Theo was afraid of never came up, and although he knew that eventually it would, he could never think about it for more than a moment before Liam drew his attention on himself again. When a nurse came in to check on Liam and announce that it was going to be time for dinner in a few minutes, it felt like they'd only just gotten started, and at the same time like they'd known each other forever.

 

"Thank you, Theo," Liam said, reaching out to brush the back of Theo's hand with his fingertips. "I think this was the first day since the accident that I felt like there was a little more left of me than a broken body."

 

Theo could only shake his head. Was this boy even hearing himself? Sure, his condition sucked, and Theo's distractions didn't change that. He was in a more than shitty situation and he wouldn't get out of it for at least another couple of months. Yet, after listening to him talking, even if it had been just for a short while, revealing just a glimpse of what was inside him, Theo could see life and passion in his eyes so clearly that it hurt to hear those from him. He understood, but he couldn't accept them.

 

Theo had so many things he wanted to say in that moment. That Liam was infinitely more than a broken body. That he was full of precious life and an absolute delight even while he was sitting in a hospital bed, unable to move. That he was as beautiful as ever. That he had immeasurable talent. That Theo was in love with him, now more than before, and in a different way, and that Liam's happiness meant everything in the whole world. He wanted to say sorry, for being a creep, for the way he'd found him. He wanted to promise that he would be by his side forever. He wanted to wrap him up in a blanket and cuddle him to sleep every night for the rest of his life.

 

"Today was nice," he said instead of any of those things. And then, with a sudden shyness he couldn't keep out of his voice, "We could do it again? You know, in case you ever feel like shaving again."

 

"Can I see you without having to shave?" Liam asked.

 

"Absolutely," Theo smiled. He was ready to live in a tent in the parking lot just so he could be there whenever Liam needed him, but maybe Liam didn't have to know that he had it quite that badly.

 

Dinner was brought and Theo was practically thrown out of Liam's room. He left with mixed feelings. On the one hand, it could have gone a whole lot worse for him. Liam hadn't accused him of anything, hadn't yelled or sent him away. Quite the opposite, they'd gotten along really well. Theo couldn't deny the huge relief he felt about it. On the other hand, it was obvious that Liam wasn't fine, and that he wasn't going to be fine for a little longer. Knowing that had hurt, seeing it hurt even more. Theo would have turned the world upside down for him, but there was nothing he could do to fix any of his injuries, and that hadn't become any easier to live with throughout their afternoon together.

 

"What?" Theo asked when climbed into the his mom's truck and she eyed him with a knowing grin. She was a kind woman, warm and gentle and fierce when it was necessary, but he'd never seen her looking so... smug.

 

"Oh, Theo," she said, barely holding in the laughter. "Oh my sweet boy. Sweet, sweet, lovely boy." Was she seriously giggling?

 

"Mooooom!" Theo groaned.

 

She shook her head and hit the gas, but she couldn't stop grinning until they were almost home. Theo wasn't seriously mad. He knew he couldn't fool her. She was seeing right through him, and what she found was a boy who was so lost in his crush for another boy that he didn't feel like himself anymore, all seriousness of the situation aside.

 

"And here I was," she whispered, "thinking it would never happen."

 

It had happened. Boy, had it happened.

 

*

 

After they'd seen each other for the first time, Liam started texting Theo. It was quickly becoming a difficulty for Theo to pay attention during class. No matter how exhausting he usually found it to socialize with people, when it came to Liam, he never ran out of things to say or questions to ask. He steered clear of too heavy topics and if nothing else worked, he sent a bunch of videos of cute baby animals. He missed Liam every day he didn't get to see him, but at least they had some sort of connection, and it rarely ever broke off.

 

In the middle of the night in the middle of the week, Theo's phone rang. He jumped and sat up in his bed, heart thumping heavily in his chest. What if something was wrong, was his first thought, but when he answered the call, Liam's voice was calm and quiet.

 

"Hey," he said. "I didn't think you'd pick up your phone. Sorry I'm calling you this late."

 

"It's fine," Theo replied, rubbing his eyes and wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. "What's up?"

 

"Nothing much," Liam said. "Except me, I guess. Can't sleep. My back is all itchy and I can't touch it. I'm going to die like this."

 

"Absolutely not, I won't allow it. No dying, like, ever."

 

"Not even when I'm a hundred years old and nothing's left of me except wrinkles and a set of fake teeth?" Liam asked.

 

"No. You can still sit in a rocking chair and teach your great-grandchildren about history. They'll be sitting in a circle around you listening. They'll think that great-grandpa Liam is the wisest person in the world."

 

"Oh yeah?" Liam laughed. "What's great-grandpa Theo like, then?"

 

"Old and grumpy," Theo decided.

 

"Grumpy? You? I don't believe that. I think you're more the one to feed the kids too much candy although their mothers keep telling you not to. But you love to spoil them. And secretly you want them to like you more than anyone else. Which totally works, of course. Great-grandpa Theo is everyone's favorite person in the world."

 

Now Theo had to laugh too. "Are you sure about that?"

 

"Well, of course," Liam replied. "Who else would it be?"

 

They talked on the phone for a while longer until Theo had to admit to himself and Liam that he needed sleep. It was nice to hear Liam's voice though, and it was nice that Liam had wanted to call him during a sleepless night. Theo told himself not to interpret too much into it, but there was a part of him that wasn't listening.

 

From then on, Liam and Theo became inseparable. Most of the time, Liam had therapy in the mornings while Theo was in class. Later, they could both complain it. Liam sent a snap after his mom had shaved his face, claiming that Theo had done it a million times better. Theo stared at it until he fell asleep that night. They went from harmless banter to deep conversations about life, afterlife and faith, and whenever Theo disagreed with something Liam thought, he reacted in a way that made it okay.

 

Theo visited Liam on the weekend, and then again when his classes got cancelled on Thursday. He brought Liam some of his favorite books to read and they watched a couple of really terrible movies together, or at least Liam did while Theo watched Liam. Apart from the fact that Liam was still in a hospital, things were going great. Until the first crisis came.

 

Theo had been studying all week long, staying up late to get all the work for college done before the weekend. His mom had agreed to give him the truck to drive to Beacon Hills on Saturday. Liam would have an hour of physical therapy in the morning, but other than that, they'd have the whole day to themselves. Theo was excited. He put on a nice shirt although it felt weird to go to the hospital like that. Theo thought about buying flowers, too, but then he was too impatient to see Liam again to stop on the way.

 

Liam did not seem excited at all. Liam was tired. When he first came in, Theo thought he was still asleep, but that wasn't it. His eyes were half-lidded, his features without expression, but he was awake. He responded to Theo and let two nurses pull him up so he was in a sitting position again. Theo watched as he forced down a bite from a sandwich. He didn't know what was going on, but he didn't like it.

 

The riddle was solved when a young doctor came inside, announcing that it was time for physical therapy. "Do you want your friend here to wait outside until we're done or is this okay?" The man asked Liam. Theo felt like he should leave.

 

"Can't we skip this today?" Liam groaned. "I can't do it again. Everything still hurts from yesterday."

 

The doctor shook his head. "No, Liam. You know what I told you. It's going to hurt. It's going to keep hurting for a while, but you can't give up. You've made such great progress already."

 

"Oh yeah," Liam snorted, "now I can sit on my ass all day long instead of lying on my back all day long. Really great progress."

 

"Don't do that. Save your breath and raise your arms for me."

 

Liam sat still, doing nothing. The doctor stared at him, clearly unimpressed. Liam looked annoyed. Theo moved to leave them alone. He could understand that Liam didn't want to have to do this in front of him, and he wasn't going to force him.

 

"You don't have to go," Liam said, his gaze holding Theo back. "I don't want to do it today. Doesn't have anything to do with you. I'm just tired."

 

"Liam," the doctor said again. Theo could tell there was a subliminal warning in his name. "I know you're tired. We can take it easy today. It'll be just twenty minutes, okay? But we can't skip."

 

Liam still didn't react to the man. Instead, his eyes were on Theo, who felt more than a little helpless. "It's okay," Theo said. "I'll be back in twenty minutes."

 

"No," Liam said, shaking his head. He seemed serious. There was a sharp edge to his tone that Theo hadn't heard from him before.

 

"Yes," the doctor replied. "Raise your arms." Theo didn't know how many times they'd played that game already, and the doctor's ignorance of Liam's resistance shocked him.

 

"I won't," Liam insisted. He pressed his lips together and looked like a child, like he knew exactly he was the one who had none of the power, holding on to nothing but unjustified stubbornness. Theo tore his eyes away.

 

The thin blanket was pulled off of Liam's legs and Liam all but growled at the doctor, who pulled him forward by the shoulders.

 

"No," he whined, "please." His voice went from harsh to pleading and then broke. Theo wanted to run away and find a place to hide and cry. "I can't do it. I can't raise them. It hurts so much." Theo was almost out of the room when he heard his name. "Theo. Don't go. Please." There were tears in Liam's eyes when he turned back around.

 

The doctor looked at him. "Theo, is it?" Theo nodded. "Alright, come here. You can help us." Theo closed the door again and stepped closer to the bed Liam was in. Liam seemed like he was at the absolute worst Theo had ever witnessed, but as awful as it was to see him like that, Theo was going to help in whatever way he could. Liam said nothing to fight it.

 

"Okay, as I said, we're taking it easy today." The doctor was speaking softly, his words directed at Theo while Liam sniffled. "Liam's been doing great this week, so we've been pushing it further, but we can take a step back today. All we're going to do is do some stretching. It's not as easy as it sounds, but it's important."

 

Again, Theo nodded. He didn't see how he could help with any of that, but he was willing. "Okay," the doctor said. "First, let me show you where you can touch him." Liam held still when the man led Theo's one hand to Liam's shoulder and the other to his hip. "Everything from here up and from there down won't cause any damage. We're going to move him away from the backrest now. You stand right here." Theo moved where he was supposed to. "And Liam, you put your hands on Theo's shoulders. Can you do that?"

 

A stream of tears was drying on Liam's cheek as he looked up and nodded. As he was shown, Theo helped to pull Liam away until he was no longer leaned against anything. They maneuvered his legs out of the bed and Theo stood between his knees, steadying him. The doctor stood at the other side of the bed behind Liam's back.

 

"Great," he said. "This is great. Liam, I've got your back. Theo, put your hands on Liam's knees. This is where the real work starts. You can use Theo's arms to help you. Go as slowly as you need to. You start at his hands and then you move upwards until your hands are on his shoulders, alright? If you can close your fingers behind his neck, I'll leave you alone for today."

 

Liam took a deep breath out when his fingers were wrapped around Theo's wrists. It wasn't possible for a healthy person to imagine a seemingly simple task like raising your arms to take as much energy and cause as much pain as it did Liam, so Theo kept his mouth shut and his body still while Liam's fingers grabbed at his sleeves. He felt a little bit ashamed for realizing that Liam's bare knees beneath his palms and his hands on his arms felt good. Liam took a break and exhaled deeply with his hands wrapped around Theo's biceps.

 

"See? You're doing amazing," the doctor commented. Theo saw Liam rolling his eyes. As he moved his hands further up along Theo's arms, it felt like Liam's fingers dug into his flesh to pull up the weight of his arms. Theo could tell it was exhausting him, but Liam didn't give up.

 

For a moment, he wished that there'd been a better moment for what was happening. For Liam's hands to be on his shoulders for the first time, feeling warm and nice, but there was no other story for Liam and Theo than the one they were currently living, and he was okay with that. Liam looked up into his face and Theo gave him a genuine smile. He almost told him that he was proud, but then Liam's fingertips grazed the skin on his neck and the words died on his tongue.

 

"Sorry," Liam pressed out. "I'm really trying to be careful."

 

"No, it's fine," Theo said. "No need to be careful with me."

 

Liam nodded and bit his lip. Theo was absolutely not supposed to look at it while he was helping Liam with something as important as his therapy, but he did. Liam's front teeth dug into his lower lip and even in a hospital gown and with messed up hair, he looked like the most perfect living creature Theo had ever seen. There was skin on skin contact where Theo had his hands on Liam's knees and where Liam's hands were slowly but surely wandering up from Theo's shoulders to his neck. It gave Theo goosebumps. For Liam, he tried his best to hold still, but it was getting difficult.

 

Liam's hands were heavy on him, but the touches of his fingertips light as feathers brushing against Theo's skin. If Theo had known how without breaking Liam's spine, he would have wrapped his arms around him in that moment and simply held him close. Instead, he waited until Liam's fingers intertwined behind his neck and a deep breath escaped Liam's lips. Their gazes locked. "Hello," Theo whispered.

 

Liam looked taken by surprise for one second before his features softened. "Hello yourself," he whispered back. Theo wanted to kiss him.

 

"Liam, you're a rockstar," the doctor said, patting his shoulder lightly. Theo had almost forgotten they weren't alone.

 

"Can I lean forward?" Liam asked.

 

"Yeah, sure," the man answered, his hands guiding Liam as he put his weight against Theo, arms sliding up until they were wrapped around Theo's neck and Liam could rest his head against Theo's chest, where his heart was beating like crazy. It was just to let Liam rest, not for Theo's enjoyment, but he still liked the intimacy of it all. Liam was literally clinging to him like a little monkey, and whether it was for medical reasons or not, Theo didn't want him to ever let go again.

 

"Sorry you have to be my crutch today," Liam mumbled into Theo's shirt. Theo wanted to tell him no, to stop apologizing for something that he'd do for Liam at any time he'd be asked to.

 

"Stop worrying about it," Theo replied. He couldn't exactly hold onto Liam, but he could smooth a hand through his hair, and for the moment, that had to be enough to let Liam know what Theo didn't have the words for yet.

 

By the time Liam was back in his usual position leaned against his mattress and covered by the blanket, Theo's skin was all tingly and his cheeks flushed. The rest of the day was spent eating chocolate in Liam's bed and playing cards and talking, never running out of things the other needed to know. Liam got tired early, but Theo understood, and it seemed like they were good when Theo said goodbye.

 

"Call me when you wake up later," he told Liam before he shut the door from the outside. He knew it would be the middle of the night when Liam would wake, but he didn't care how late, he'd be there.

 

*

 

"I fucking hate this," Liam groaned. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, his feet dangling above the floor, Theo standing in front of him, hands on his hips.

 

It was late March and they were alone in the new room that Liam had been moved to. Theo knew exactly where to touch and how to hold Liam, but the other, bigger source of his nervosity hadn't weakened one bit. By then, they'd done it a hundred times together. It was still exhausting for Liam, but he could lift and move his arms around as good as freely. The step they were currently working on was standing up. It had worked before, twice, actually, but never without Liam's doctor present. Although it scared Theo a little, he couldn't deny the fact that he was glad it was just the two of them.

 

"No you don't," Theo replied with a smile. "Actually, I'm getting the impression that you like this." Liam had his hands behind Theo's neck and Theo grinned down at him.

 

"Well, that's kind of the point," Liam said. He wiggled forward and stretched his legs until his toes were touching the floor. Theo tightened his hold on Liam's hips to steady him.

 

"What do you mean?" He asked.

 

Liam looked down at his feet, perfectly concentrated until he had both feet steadily on the ground. Theo could see the muscles in his legs working and feel his arms tightening.

 

"This is so slow," Liam complained. "I don't want to take an eternity to get up on my feet."

 

"You know it's great that you can do that at all, Liam. And we both know you'll be standing up all the time in like, a couple of days, probably."

 

"That's not-" Liam pursed his lips and shook his head. "That's not what I mean. It's not about my recovery."

 

"I don't get it," Theo admitted. "What's it about then?"

 

Liam sighed and looked him in the eyes. "You."

 

"Me?"

 

Theo didn't follow. He was absolutely confused. What was Liam talking about?

 

"There are these moments," Liam began explaining, "when you're being really awesome, you know. Like now. And then I want to... I don't know,  _ do something _ . And then I realize that I can't just jump up and give you a hug, and I hate that."

 

"You can't jump, but you can absolutely, one-hundred percent give me a hug right now."

 

Theo squeezed Liam's hip and Liam moved further forward, putting some of his weight on Theo and some on his own legs.

 

"I know," he said. "It's just never enough."

 

"That's okay though. We have all the time in the world."

 

Theo helped Liam lifting his butt off the bed and straightening his back until he stood leaned against Theo, arms around his neck, face against his throat, breath ghosting over his skin.

 

"I don't want all the time in the world, Theo. I want  _ now. _ I want to do this for another reason than physical therapy."

 

Theo leaned back a little without moving away, drawing Liam's attention to his eyes. He cupped Liam's face in one hand while the other arm remained around his waist. The anticipation was killing him. Liam's proximity, the heart beating right against his chest, the endless blue in his eyes, it was all killing softly, so softly. He lowered his head until his forehead was pressed against Liam's, their faces closer together than ever before, their lips only inches apart.

 

"We could do something that is absolutely no use for physical therapy right now," Theo whispered.

 

Liam's lips stretched into a smile, his eyelids fluttered shut. The moment stretched and Theo was literally shaking all over, same as Liam was.

 

Everything seemed one inch away from perfect until Liam's smile faded and his eyes opened again. Theo didn't understand why there were tears in them.

 

"Theo. I need to tell you something."

 

*

 

Theo's mind was reeling. He'd heard Liam, but he couldn't say anything in response, so Liam kept talking, although tears were streaming down his face.

 

"I forgot you, Theo. I don't know why. It seems like I remember everyone else. I don't remember the accident, but everything before that is there. Well, except you. You're missing."

 

Theo shook his head. No, no, no. He'd been wondering. All this time, he'd been wondering why Liam had never said anything. Why it had never come up between them, the reason why Theo was even there. Now it all made sense all of a sudden, but not in a way Theo would have ever wished for. He felt small and weak and helpless as he watched Liam wiping away tears from his face that just kept coming.

 

"Liam," Theo whispered. He had to explain.

 

Liam shook his head. "I'm so sorry."

 

"No." Theo didn't know how to tell him how wrong he was. "No. Liam. Don't be sorry."

 

"I am though." Liam looked at him. "How could I have forgotten you? You're the best thing in my life."

 

"No," Theo stuttered, only shaking his head more and more vehemently. "No no no no no."

 

"Theo," Liam said, pleading. "I don't know where the memories went. I've been searching my brain for weeks. They can't be gone, but I don't have them anymore."

 

"No, Liam." Theo felt tears dropping from his chin. He had no idea how to stop it. How to stop Liam from talking. How to stop either of their hearts from breaking. How to make it right.

 

Theo had to say it. He had to spit it out, painful as it was. He had to. He parted his lips. He didn't know what, but  _ something _ needed to come out. He was ready to come clean. He was ready. But then Liam landed the final blow.

 

"I love you, Theo," he sobbed. "But I can't remember you."  
  



End file.
